February musings

When I lived on Cape Cod and drove to NH to visit my parents, I used to feel badly about their isolation and constricted (from my judging POV) lives. I encouraged them to have fun, take a trip, whatever. "We are happy just as we are, " Mom would say.

Dad would sit in his adjustable lounge chair for hours and read, listen to opera recordings, nap. Mom did some crafts and knitting, lots of reading, and all the cooking and household jobs.



I would return to my Cape Cod home shaking my head. It was sad to leave Mom and Dad behind but I had only good feelings about leaving the cold isolation of the New Hampshire boonies. Although I lived alone, I had 30 years worth of friends and contacts in the world of writers, artists and healers. There was the women's group, several writing groups, herbal classes, and other mind expanding workshops. I went to poetry and prose readings both to listen and to read my work. Barnes and Noble. Night of New Works in Orleans.

An editor once called me and asked me to send him a story to publish as something else had fallen through. Well, that only happened because I had stayed in one place for many years, made many contacts, kept the same phone number. I worked hard at overcoming my introvert characteristics, my shyness, my preference for hiding. And I was rather proud of my accomplishments in become a friendly, social, out there person. Even as I maintained my needed quiet time and privacy by living alone.



How arrogant I was. Now, I have become my father. Sitting in a chair reading the hours away. Watching movies as my "drug." Staring out the window like a potato. Of course, I am my mother too as I cook every meal, clean the house and so forth as women always do whether married or not. I have been "stuck" in New Hampshire now for 4 years and two months. Though beautiful, the landscape and location encourage my introversion rather than counter balance it with people and socialization and activities.

This is my own "fault." I have tried to break out into warmer climes, yet have failed. The introvert web is woven around me and it is harder and harder to find the way out. I am lazy and passive and perhaps long to be rescued by my Dad and Mom in some subconscious way. But they are gone.



What is it about February that brings me to face these things again? Is it the anticipation of spring, a time of growth and action, that brings up fear in me? Fear that yet again I will remain trapped by my routines

Does the anticipation of spring bring up any fears for you. Desires to make changes and reinvent yourself. Or, other.....?

Patchwork of stories

WEATHER: Six more inches of snow on the weekend and cold winds blowing. But sunny at 14 degrees.

POISON: I poured ice melt on the path and my brother later told me it was ant poison. I wondered why it was brown. He and my Dad before him had put the ant poison in an ice melt jar and did not relabel it. Of course, I was upset as every time anyone walks to the door now they walk through ant poison and my cats were going out that door too and sitting in it.

No one here seems upset about it. For my part I decided to use a different door but mom can't use it as it has 3 icy steps. I fear the poison will be there till spring when the soil can be turned. It sticks on people's boots and tracks on into the house. So I vacuum a lot.

The irony is that I spent two weeks when I first came up here seeking out and getting rid of all the poisons and there were a lot. For apples, for bugs, for flying insects. Tons. It's hard to believe that my father, a scientist, would put poison in an unlabeled container. But he did. And he used these poisons. To see the falibility of one's parents. I guess that is part of growing up.

DREAM: I am visiting my homeopathist who invites me to stay and join in on a poetry group. I try to call Mom to tell her I'll be late but I can't get through. I stay anyway. A number of the group poets are guys from elementary school, although aged. I am surprised they turned out to be poets.

When I leave I must find my car in a large parking lot. In most parking lot dreams I can never find my car and wander the lot, in the dark, being afraid. In this dream I spotted my car immediately but saw it was partly blocked in by another car. Then I saw some swat team men with guns crouched by some trees. When I reached my car I saw there were people hiding under the car beside mine. Get down, they said. I just want to get in my car and drive away, I said. But I couldn't. There was some "bad guy" I guess that the swat team wanted to capture in a nearby building. I thought it was dangerous to lie under the car as what if it exploded. Then I saw more swat team men approaching from the back. I crouched down and soon awoke.

FEARS: a lot of fears are coming up re: driving on the snowy roads. I am not used to this and want to stay home. But I must face it and will go out this afternoon to pick up a present for my Mom.

Be well and thanks for listening. Suki