Sunday, February 26, 2012
When I lived on Cape Cod and drove to NH to visit my parents, I used to feel badly about their isolation and constricted (from my judging POV) lives. I encouraged them to have fun, take a trip, whatever. "We are happy just as we are, " Mom would say.
Dad would sit in his adjustable lounge chair for hours and read, listen to opera recordings, nap. Mom did some crafts and knitting, lots of reading, and all the cooking and household jobs.
I would return to my Cape Cod home shaking my head. It was sad to leave Mom and Dad behind but I had only good feelings about leaving the cold isolation of the New Hampshire boonies. Although I lived alone, I had 30 years worth of friends and contacts in the world of writers, artists and healers. There was the women's group, several writing groups, herbal classes, and other mind expanding workshops. I went to poetry and prose readings both to listen and to read my work. Barnes and Noble. Night of New Works in Orleans.
An editor once called me and asked me to send him a story to publish as something else had fallen through. Well, that only happened because I had stayed in one place for many years, made many contacts, kept the same phone number. I worked hard at overcoming my introvert characteristics, my shyness, my preference for hiding. And I was rather proud of my accomplishments in become a friendly, social, out there person. Even as I maintained my needed quiet time and privacy by living alone.
How arrogant I was. Now, I have become my father. Sitting in a chair reading the hours away. Watching movies as my "drug." Staring out the window like a potato. Of course, I am my mother too as I cook every meal, clean the house and so forth as women always do whether married or not. I have been "stuck" in New Hampshire now for 4 years and two months. Though beautiful, the landscape and location encourage my introversion rather than counter balance it with people and socialization and activities.
This is my own "fault." I have tried to break out into warmer climes, yet have failed. The introvert web is woven around me and it is harder and harder to find the way out. I am lazy and passive and perhaps long to be rescued by my Dad and Mom in some subconscious way. But they are gone.
What is it about February that brings me to face these things again? Is it the anticipation of spring, a time of growth and action, that brings up fear in me? Fear that yet again I will remain trapped by my routines
Does the anticipation of spring bring up any fears for you. Desires to make changes and reinvent yourself. Or, other.....?