Thursday, December 04, 2008

I am so touched


Hello, everyone. I am so moved by the beautiful outpouring of love and caring you have all sent to me and my brother in the last two posts. Again, forgive me for not going through and individually answering each response, but know I have read them all and hold them all dear.

A friend asked me if I would be afraid living here alone. No, not afraid, but lonely. I who lived alone for so many years, grew accustomed to living with Mom. My life had a focus, to be a caregiver and to bring brightness to her, in what turned out to be, last year. This was very good for me as I had felt purposeless and useless previous to moving here. Now, there is emptiness and once again I must figure out what my current purpose on this earth might be. I am once again homeless although I can stay here for a time.

At the present moment my purpose is to help myself and my brother make our way through the next two days. Mom will be buried on Friday at ten, Dad's ashes will be in the coffin with her. The graveyard is rather ugly, flat and no trees but Mom hadn't chosen a graveyard and I am not familiar with the local graveyards so here we are. Just my brother and I will be there unless he has some friends who might come.

Again, thank you so much for the warm and loving words and prayers sent flying our way, for me, my brother and Mom on her journey into other realms. Blessings and love, Suki

As someone said in one comment, how lovely that I gave Mom her red heart before her birthday and/or Christmas. She had time to enjoy it in her last days. I gave it to her early on advice of your suggestion, dear blogging friends.

Photo: the river of life flows on.

35 comments:

Jude said...

Yes, it was really lovely that your mum saw and could wear that red heart.
I'm sure you will have many friends around the world with you in mind tomorrow.
Keep warm
x

Kim said...

Suki, it seems there is so much for you to be contemplating now. The great gift to give yourself is time to figure it all out. It seems you and your brother have been getting the immediate needs met and then will move forward from there. You and your mother gave each other some lovely gifts over the last year which are so very precious.

Please do not concern yourself with the replies to the comments...no one expects that at all.

I hold you very close, Sweet Suki, during the next few days. I am sure you are feeling a great deal of loneliness right now, and I am sure that is very expected. I am glad you do not have to make any personal decisions quickly.

With Love and Peace,

Kim

Cestandrea said...

Suki, I send you courage and love for the next two days, which certainly will be very hard. And I'm sure we will all be standing on this graveyard with you, be with you, holding your hand, even if you cannot see us. And when it is over, too.
Take care, and, a purpose will certainly show up later, magically.

Andrea

human being said...

oh yes

"the river of life flows on"
softening our edges...

Suki, your words always provoke deep thoughts...
again accept my condolences...

that red heart beautifully depicts your bond to your mother...
sure she left with a happy heart...
take care

Dianne said...

Dear Suki, we will be there with you and your brother on Friday at 10. I am so glad your Mom was able to wear the red heart.
Take care
Dianne x x x

Annie said...

I will be thinking of you and your brother tomorrow, Suki. You have been much in my thoughts and prayers and blessings this last few days and will continue to be. When I quit my job I was so scared, but then I decided to look at the future as a huge new, wonderful possibility, instead of a big void and it helped a lot to get me focused in the right direction. It is normal for you to be lonely right now. Accept it and let yourself be lonely, it will pass. Big hug and much love coming your way.

soulbrush said...

you 'touch' my life in so many ways every single day when you visit my blog, and i feel for you. 90 is a fantastic innings and she died so quickly and peacefully, and that's all one can wish for for their loved ones. i think she will like where she is buried - a lot! hugs and more hugs for tomorrow. that red heart is now memorable to all of us who know you and care.namaste

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

Dear Suki, You will not be alone at the funeral we will all be there in spirit and thought.
Yes it does leave a void at the moment but you will find your way in time. Both you and your Brother will.
Won't your son be there too?
Dont worry about commeting individually back, we all understand big time.
Lots of Hugs to you.

differenceayearmakes said...

Suki, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I'll be sending prayers and healing for you and your brother.

Teri C said...

You must go see Marianne's blog today. It is beautifull dedicated to you and your Mom.

More hugs for healing.

m. heart said...

suki, as i have fridays off i will make sure to be sitting quietly at 10 tomorrow with my thoughts on you and your brother.

Lynn said...

I guess my tears are a mix of feeling your grief and remembering my own when my mom died. I too took care of her the last year of her life. She came to live with us.
It was not easy. But I'm glad we did it. I had very mixed emotions about my Mother...so my tears upon going to bed at night and tears found flowing upon waking up each morning (for a while) were unexpected and surprising. I guess the mother/daughter stuff flows deep. So grieving time is important I feel to work through all of it and I did slowly over time. I hope you give yourself that time as well. And be gentle with yourself. No judgements.

Time to ponder your next move too.
I'm still in a quandry as to why your brother would not invite you to stay there indefinitely. However, it's not my business.
But I trust you will find your place and reason and purpose in life Suki. You have so much to offer so many.

Hugs and more hugs, Lynn

Mary said...

just for a little smile for you--my little grandson turns 2 on december 8 and shared your mom's birthday! it's nice to know that life travels along and that hearts merge and as one life slows down another is just beginning. i'll be thinking of you and your brother and of you alone in the house. maybe you could invite some friends to come stay for a week or two? lots of love to you both..

Debbie in CA : ) said...

Your paint, poem, and ponderings have touched me so much . . . it is nice to know I have touched you back. : ) Prayers unceasing -- my gift to you today.

willow said...

"The river of life flows on." I love that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your brother this week, Suki. I pray that God will give you peace and comfort, dear friend.

Willow xx

marianne said...

Dear Suki,
You will be in my thoughts tomorrow!
I´m so glad that I know so many people are caring for you.
You will be there tomorrow with your brother but our thoughts go out to you.
Just close your eyes and feel all those arms around your shoulder.

Love and light!
Marianne

glitz said...

Suki, Kia kaha (stand tall), and know that you can take this opportunity to farewell your dear Mom.
It seems that you will have quite a crowd of spirits around you tomorrow! I, too, will be thinking of you and your brother as you help your Mom on her way.
With peace, love and light,
Lesley.

San said...

Suki, my heart goes out to your red heart. Love to you and your family...

Your previous post about your mom's passing is exquisitely written, the words coming straight from your uncensored, beautiful heart.

I grieve with you and am wishing you much strength in these next days, and into the future, when you will be making other decisions.

For now, don't worry about those other decisions. Don't worry about purpose. Clearly, part of your purpose is being here with this community who cherish you.

Enfold yourself in the memories of your mother, feel good about the comfort and joy you brought her, from your days as a child to those odd days when you exchanged roles and you were the one who cared for her.

patti said...

I'll be with you tomorrow too Suki. It is good to focus on the life lived by your Mom, she was blessed with such a long life.

There will be time to sort out your life's purpose when the swell of grief has subsided. Try not to worry about this, everything unfolds in good time.

In the meantime open your heartspace & be conscious of your breathing.

Take care Suki xx

~Babs said...

Suki, it's obvious you are surrounded with peace and love. The spirit of all of us will be with you in the next few days, although you are never truly alone anyway. His strength will see you through,,,it's promised,,,so grab onto that thought and hold it near.

The future will take care of itself. Doors close,so new ones can open. Voids are filled, hearts are healed.
Face each day with an open heart,,,expecting your own personal miracles, and they will come.
You have a purpose, and it will be revealed. In His time,,,,

(another peace filled photo,,,,a true talent)

Mim said...

Suki - don't worry about answering messages - we are all in this together and understand!
I'll also be thinking of you tomorrow and yes...I am so glad you gave your mom the red heart - I remember the discussion about it and the advice about not waiting. So glad you did what your own heart told you to do.
Many hugs and kisses to you dear friend - we will all be around you tomorrow in our own way.

Artist Unplugged said...

My first time to post on your site...my heart is heavy for you and your brother's loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my mother 6 years ago and my dad a year later after a year of constant care. I grew to know him in a different way that year also. I think I know some of your feelings and my heart goes out to you, I know you are thankful for this past year as I am sure your dear mother was. Blessings.

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

Dear Suki, I will watch the clock and at 10, I will stop, hold my heart open for you and your brother...peace.
Mary Ann

Lisa at Greenbow said...

Suki, you and your brother are in my thoughts and prayers today.

MuseSwings said...

Suki, I am so sory your lost your mother and friend. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Kim said...

Suki, I come back to give you another hug today. You have been in my thoughts all day. I hope you are finding peace.

Elizabeth said...

My heart goes out to you.
I'm sure it gave your mother great joy to have you near her at the end.
So glad she did not linger in the hospital.
Please accept my condolences and good wishes to you and your brother.

Apple said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mom.

Mim said...

Thinking of you today...

studio lolo said...

Thought about you yesterday. I hope it was a gentle day.

patti said...

Thinking of you Suki.

xx

human being said...

dropped in to say you're in my thoughts everyday...
love and peace

Claudia said...

Dear Suki,
I am very sad to hear that your mother has died. You know, I was not in the internet the last few days; so I didn't hear the sad news until now...I want to express my heartfelt condolences...I still think that what remains is l o v e. And you can be calm thinking that you did all you could.That is the most important thing: not to have to regret at lost possibilities, unsaid words...I wish you at least s o m e good hours in this difficult time for you.
And thank you for the award; I will pass it on.
Love from
Claudia

marianne said...

You are in my thoughts . Hope you are doing ok under the circumstances
Love >M<

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

Hi Suki, I hope you're doing alright. This is a hard time for you I know but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and miss you. Take care of yourself.
Hugs
Cris