Wednesday, December 03, 2008

December 8, 1917-December 2, 2008

Mom died peacefully on Tuesday morning after being in the hospital less than 24 hours. The nurse called us to say she had perhaps one more hour, but we arrived after she had died. I kissed her and held her and told her I loved her. Her body was still warm, her face beautiful. Yesterday, I was supported by shock and some phone calls from old friends. Today, I am a little shakier, waking up with no one to fix breakfast for. No bell will ring to call me. No Mom to care about me and the adventure of my life. The sadness descends and simmers in my heart. I wear Mom's red heart necklace against my chest to have her heart close to mine. This last year we had together was so special and healing for us both. I came to understand Mom's quiet ways much better than I ever had before and came to love her in a different way than I had when younger. And I think she came to understand me and love me in a different way.

I thank you all for your lovely and love-filled comments on my previous post. I have read them all and although I have not commented individually I comment here and say, when I feel alone and pushed out of the nest, I only have to think of you, my dear and wonderful friends, to feel cared about and a part of the world again. Blessings and Namaste, Suki

Photo: sunset over the western hills

38 comments:

Jude said...

My sincerest condolences to you Suki and your brother. Work through your sadness,it's part of the healing.Your words made me cry as I read them. So touching. I'm sure your mother enjoyed your company as much as you did this past year. Memories, sweet memories, keep remembering her and try to smile. Peace, love and happiness, take good care x

Cestandrea said...

Dear Suki, please accept my sincerest condolences too, I wish I were there to take you in my arms, (only if you wanted it) I have been following you and your adventures since I began my blog two years ago and you left the first comment on it, and in this time it was as if I had come to know you and your mom so well. Therefore I'm very sad too, your loving, sad and quiet words made me cry too. But what you say is so important, that you had this year with her and you got to know each other in such a tender way! What a gift this was for both of you. I send you my love and lots of emotional support, and think of you very very often! Take care and be well, and hug yourself a lot
love
Andrea

Annie said...

She went so easily and quickly and we can all hope for that. I can only imagine how sad you are and that is something only time makes better, but the sadness is sweet is it not? I too had to cry, your words were so dear. I am glad you had this time with your mom. You are in my thoughts and I am sending lots of love and hugs. XOXO
P.S. The rest of your life awaits you, dear Suki...

~Babs said...

It's a very fitting photo for this sunset post. A good new photo would be a sunrise,,,as she has entered her NEW world, free of pain, suffering, and the old body of this world.

I'm very sorry for your loss. My Mom will be in her new world one year next month.Of course I still miss her, but I feel her presence,,in every sunset, sunrise, and gentle breeze that blows. As Chewy told me, (and I've never forgotten) "She lives in your heart." Sometimes I can feel her voice comforting me now as she always did when with us.

I'm so glad you had this year with her,,,,and feel we'd come to know her too. Thank you.
God will bless you Suki, as you move through the stages called grief.

Lynn said...

Oh Suki, what words have I to help you through? My eyes fill with tears thinking of you there by yourself and wish I could be at your side right now. I'd put my arm around you if you'd let me, and give a gentle hug.
I want you to know your mom was so fortunate to have you as her daughter. You were so good to her.
I know it wasn't always easy. But you were steadfast in your care taking. And I am sure she knew that and appreciated it. I'm glad you got to the hospital as quickly as you did. And were able to kiss her goodbye. (I had that experience with my mom too)...not easy, not easy. I pray there is a friend who will come to be with you...call someone. Reach out.
I'm sending lots and lots of hugs.
Be gentle with yourself Suki.
You have a lot of friends out here.
You do. We all care...
And we are not going away.

Love,
Lynn

Teri C said...

Suki, your loss is almost overwheming but know that she is now looking out for you. It is good to say these expressive words about your love for her and hers for you.

Condolences, prayers and hugs heading your way.

chook said...

Love and thoughts

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

Suki, I am so saddened by the news of the loss of your dear Mother and yet I feel you were given a gift of a year with her to come to understand each other so much better. Treasure that gift. I too was given it with my Dad not knowing that he wasnt going to be with us much longer. So because of that I could deal with it all much better.
We are all here for you. My heart goes out to both you and your Brother who now has had a double loss as you have in such a short span of time. Hugs and Love, Cris

Kim said...

Dear Suki,

I, too, add my deepest sympathy to you and your brother. Your beautiful words brought me to tears as I imagine what you are dealing with at the moment. I do not claim to understand, but I completely feel for the emotions which are arriving at the surface of your being. I, too, wish I were there to put my arms around you.

Suki, each day you bring us here with tremendous hope in finding the joys in your days. I hope now, you feel the world there at your side, because you have friends around the world doing just that.

Give yourself time, allow yourself to feel each emotion and know you are loved here. When you are ready, many friends will be right here.

May Peace Be With You, My Dear Friend.

Leenie said...

My Mother passed in July. It is a shock no matter when it is you become an orphan. Best wishes and hang in there during everything that comes next.

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

Suki, I am so sorry for your loss and all your sadness. I believe as you that this past year was a gift for you and your mom, a time to find an even sweeter love between mother and daughter. I know these next few days might be difficult, I will hold you in my heart.
Mary Ann

p.s. A nurse told me she observed the patient could let go in an easier way when family were away from the bedside.

CHEWY said...

Dear Suki,
(tears in my eyes) Your mother's spirit passes into peace. For you to wear her red heart necklace must be comforting, as it had rested close to her heart. She lives in your heart (as Babs has mentioned) but also in your mind. Sweet memories which will pop out on occasion and bring a smile. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

Dianne said...

My thoughts are with you and your brother. Your words also made me cry, you express your feelings so simply and beautifully.
You have been caring for your Mum for a whole year, spending all your time making her last few months as comfortable as possible. No mother could ask for a better daughter, she was so very lucky to have you with her.
I hope that peace and acceptance will come to you soon.

soulbrush said...

dear dear Suki,
your sil and now your mom.
so quick at the end,
so grateful for that
such a big crater
where she once was,
and that lovely little red heart
that will live in our hearts forever!
hugs and many condolences
to you and bro.

m. heart said...

dear suki, i think we are all crying with you today. my deepest condolences to you and your brother.
m.

patti said...

I thought of you and your mom a lot yesterday. It is sad you have had to let her go. I am so sorry Suki, losing a parent is hard.

I send you love & hugs and hope that you and your brother get through the grief together.

When my Dad died years ago, for weeks I felt as though someone had hit me hard in the chest. Some gentle, loving yoga will help and of course we are here to share your thoughts and feelings as they unfold.

Take care. xx

marianne said...

Dear Suki,
My condolences. What can I say. Ifeel sad although I know it is ok, your mom has died peacefully, she doesn´t have to suffer.
The time you took care of her brought you closer to each other, that´s so beautiful. That you can think of her with a love filled heart.
So silly when I saw the picture of your mom monday the first thing that came to my mind was : how good that you gave her the necklace , that you didn´t wait for her birthday or Christmas. Now you have her heart close which has the energy of your mother in it because she has worn it close to her heart.
Suki from me a very warm hug and I send you lots of love. Wishing you strenght for these days filled with emotions.
Hope you will be surrounded by loving people who can comfort you.
take care dear. Marianne

Mary said...

oh suki, i feel your heart and your sadness, having lost both my parents, too. i also took care of my mother (who was very ill) and know that it's a very wonderful opportunity you had to share this last year with her. you will always remember it and will be glad you did what you did to be there with her. wish i could give you a real hug...i've been sending you lots of love....namaste to you. take good care and be gentle with yourself....love!

katie jane said...

Suki, please accept my deepest condolences. So sorry for you. I know you must feel very lost and alone right now, your world suddenly turned upside down. It will right itself in time and please know that we are all out here for you no matter where you are.

Karen Mowrey said...

Suki,

I wish I could give you a hug right through the computer. My sincerest condolences to you. I was out of the house this morning before you posted and was wondering about you and your mom today when I saw a glass heart, not nearly as nice as the one you have to hold.

As much as you left behind, look at what you gained in the past year. So many will never be able to say that, I admire what you were able to do. I continue to visit because you are an inspiring person in more than just your art. I may not be able to ring a bell for you, but I am still interested in the adventures of your life and am willing to type all night so you don't feel alone. I wish you the strength you need in the days ahead and when the days are done, we are all hear to listen.

Kate said...

Suki,.

My heart goes out to you at this time. Remember the good times and relish the time you had.

Peace,
Kate

Debbie in CA : ) said...

My Sweet, Sweet Friend,

I have come to write on several occasions today, but have gone away to pray instead. You and your brother are in my prayers so often this day and yesterdays and the next . . .

Sing praises for the healing and joy you shared; weep freely over the loss you feel. Life's journey twists and turns so often -- we must remain flexible and open to love . . . and let go. When my son died I thought my heart would break . . . and it did -- but it grew stronger in the brokeness. I pray the same for you in this very difficult time. I shed tears alongside you as I read this touching post. Peace be with you, my dear friend. XO

glitz said...

Ah, Suki, I feel so sad for you. I, too, have tears coursing down my face.
How wonderful that you had this last precious time together - time to heal some of the old hurts, and just "be" together.
The passing of our mothers is such a difficult thing to understand - I still wonder if we ever really do, and my mother passed over 12 years ago.

glitz said...

I'm so touched that that little heart symbol is so imbued with both your Mom's and your energy.
Arohanui,
Lesley.

Mim said...

Oh Suki - I'm reading this post on Thursday am, and I'm wishing you could get hugs from all of us. What a tough time for you. You knew that something was up with your mom, you had the feeling and you were right. You and she are so lucky that you had the past year to spend together - what a blessing for you both.

I keep writing and erasing words - because they end up looking hollow. But you know that we all care for you, and have been watching mom with you for the past year. Please let me know if this MA girl can help in any way - OK?
love, Mim

human being said...

my abode is naught but an empty nest:
her sun set and her soul chose to rest;
she left...
not abruptly
but deliberately and watchfully
bestowing her warmth
-her love-
to those
whom she shone upon a lifetime
making sure they will remain
green and joyous
in the night of her absence.
Mom...
it's cold and dark now
yet i know
you will rise tomorrow
on my canvas... in my art
to shine and warm
my world and my heart...
---------------------

my deepest and heartfelt condolences, my dearest Suki
hugs

amy said...

Condolences to you. I am sorry her time had come. I am sure she was at peace and she is watching over you. Blessings, Amy

human being said...

sure i won't mind my dearest Suki if you read this at the burial.... on the contrary, i'll be honored because in a way i can be there with you...
i loved your mother very much... do you remember the first time i popped in your blog? it was her birthday and you had baked a very yummy and beautiful cake for her... and i couldn't leave your blog without commenting...

i'm sure her soul is at rest... you came to her to ease and comfort her on her path...
infinite blessings to you!

human being said...

my dearest Suki... i'm happy i could feel what wass going in your heart... sure this work is yours and you can use it anywhere you like... i was inspired by your words and your photo and all the care and love you gave your mother...
i wish i was there to hug you tight... you are on my thoughts everyday...
love and peace

The Cats at Furrydance Cattery said...

I think I found your blog from Karen's Beelieve page. I send my sympathy and know I will visit your blog often and hope you will find strength and peace, all which friends can help send your way for you... as I send mine.

Teri

http://terithorsteinson.blogspot.com
http://mikememorial.blogspot.com
http://furrydancecats.blogspot.com

kikipotamus said...

Dear Suki, I am crying with you now, both for you and for the me who will one day have to face this same event. What a blessing that you were able to forge a new relationship toward the end. Please let me know if there is anything I can do from this distance. Love, K xox

Natalya said...

i'm so sorry...

Britt-Arnhild said...

Dear Suki.

I have a red heart pendant, similar to your mother's. I will wear it tonight for you and for her. God bless you dear friend.

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