Yesterday I drove to a nearby town to visit my son. Here is a shot of a local mountain. I'd like to come here to paint in sometime when it's warmer outside. If I'm brave enough to paint in public.
Visiting my son is a mixed blessing. I love being closer to him than I have been in years so that I can drive down to visit. The visit includes visiting with my ex-husband as they live together. They are always sitting at the kitchen table smoking and reading. Under the table is the kitty litter. I guess you don't see it if your chair is pulled up close to the table.
Then I return "home" where Mom sleeps for about 18 hours a day. I guess this is what very old people do. I see my brother only occasionally as he is over there across from the barn with my SIL tending to her illness/dying.
So now I am thinking of my present life as a silent retreat since genrally there is no one to talk to here. I walk around with my hands in prayer position. I talk to my cats and talk out loud to myself sometimes.
I wish I could make plans for my future. Meaning spring. I am tired of my stuff being in storage and unavailable. The storage unit costs $150/month. Plus I have so many sweet things collected through the years, special things like paintings by friends and my grandmother's pots and vases. I want to have these things around me. Part of me thinks how can I make plans, it all depends on Mom's health and SIL's processing of life/death/life. But another part of me knows I do not need to make decisions based on some theoretical process other people may or may not go through. What do I WANT to do is the question.
Kikipotamus quoted from a book about weight loss on her blog. I almost skipped the quotes as I've never had a weight problem and generally I eat anything I want to. But I read them.
The quotes talk about not needing to justify our choices, about saying "I choose" instead of "I have to" and about choosing from our wants not some made up "reasons." I have often noticed how people (myself included but it's easier to see this in others) come up with all kinds of reasons to do things when underneath lies an unacknowledged "I want to." This is especially noticeable when the reasons on day one are the opposite of the reasons on day two. Logic and reasons have little to do with it. Even if we don't consciously acknowledge it, I want to do this or I don't want to do this lie underneath all reasons.
The problem is figuring out what I want. Not always of course. I know what I want with small things. I want this book, I want to watch that movie, I want to eat a potato chip etc. But when viewing a larger picture. What do I want to be doing and where do I want to be living??? This is so hard for me that i sometimes hide behind "One day at a time" and being in the present moment kinda thing.
I sometimes think that if I focus on today and doing the best I can today with what arises that I AM taking care of the future which will unfold from today's choices and thoughts. I don't have to anguish over figuring it all out ahead of time. What is meant for me to do will be there in the spring. Waa laa.
Still i am a thinking human being and we humans often want to figure things out.
Right near the mountain above is one of Thich Nhat Hanh's monasteries. I could go there if they are open in the winter and meditate. Or I could just look at the mountain and let my mind flow. Or I could just keep on doing what I am doing, one day at a time, and stop with the thinking already.