Saturday, October 27, 2007


I've been feeling grumpy of late. Been here in the north country a little over a month. It's an interesting task, being chauffeur, cook and bottle washer for someone else. There is much benefit to the situation, but the transition has been hard. I've been through a series of stress-related skin illnesses, one after the other, each one lasting about 2 days, except for the big rash on my leg remnants of which still remain. Maybe it's a healing crisis in homeopathic terms.

Today I should take the 2 gallon container of muriatic acid which I found in the garage to the toxic dump site. After today it will be closed until Spring. But I feel resentful. I did not buy it, Dad did. The garage and everything here will be my brother's some day. Let him deal with this acid which I'd rather not transport 20 miles in my car. I've already made one trip to the toxic place with half-filled cans of spray paint, raid and other yucky stuff. Haven't I done my share of clean-up? After all, the acid has been in there for 10 years or more, what's another 6 months? Plus it's raining. And I want to do something fun like go to the big book sale in a nearby town. Although the bottom of the container is weeping acid, I have placed it in a larger plastic container. These are just the thoughts that rattle thru my brain.

Plus I opened my big mouth and told my ex-husband and son I'd take a load of their stuff in my car to the new place their moving to. Last time I visited them they were talking in terms of me helping my son lift and carry awkward furniture, furniture I would call heavy, but they say isn't heavy. "I can't see myself being the other person on the other side of this table," I said. I indicated a pile of pictures and said, more like this I can carry. The problem is to stick by my guns. The idea was to be supportive, not to be their 30 year old muscle-person. Can't they find their own help to move? I thought I was being generous loaning them over $600 so they could pay first and security. Loan is a euphemism as most likely I'll never see the money again. But you never know.

So that's kinda why I'm grumpy. No one to blame but myself and my own thought patterns and my "rescue" complex. Well, I'm done complaining. Not looking for sympathy but new readers to my blog should know I occasionally post a post like this. I see it as sharing another facet of the many facets of self.


Cris in Oregon said...

Sounds like you are a rescuer of others. And others know it and come to expect it. Does any of what you put out there come back to you? We have found that what we put out there always comes back to us in one way or another.
Maybe that stuff should be gone for YOUR healths sake.. since you will be working in the area.
Can you take the stuff to the dump AND make the book fair as a treat afterwards? just a thought or two.

Mary Richmond said...

I think I would get rid of the acid--it will just eat through any plastic and is very toxic. Does no good to worry about what others should have done and should least in my experience. You can only know what works for you. Sometimes helping others takes stuff off our own backs, sometimes we feel very abused. Only you can know where that line is. Personally I'm guessing if you've already lent money and have been asked to move heavy things, that person is not going to jump up and offer to move the acid. Why not take it away and then treat yourself to some new books??? Hang in there...this too shall pass! Besides, looks like you're having some fun doing your art work and having a studio to retreat to.

Elizabeth said...

I see completley where you are coming from - writing it all down is VERY good for you - and I find it interesting, as I often fall into 'rescue' mode.
Would talking it over with your brother help/make a difference?
Wishing you well with sorting everything out. E

sukipoet said...

thanks Cris, Mary and Elizabeth. I appreciate your thoughts. Yes I should have gotten the acid out y'day for my own sake, but I didn't. It was pouring rain all day and I just didn't make the drive. I will put the acid in a safe place and be sure to find out when the first toxic drop off is in the spring. It would have been a gd idea to talk w/my brother about the acid but I hate to disturb him so I didn't. My impression was he didnt care about it one way or the other. And my mom told me to pour it out in the woods!! Well, different awarenesses from a different generation.

Actually the acid removal issue and the moving issue are with two different groups of people. Acid = my Dad who purchased, my brother and myself. Moving is my ex husband (divorced 30 yrs ago) who lives w/my son. Not that the details really matter but oh well. confusing.

I did drive to the book sale and got a few books.

Lynn said...

Ah,you are human!