Wednesday, February 28, 2007

self torture

No post yesterday. Out to do errands early including signing up for a pay as you go cell phone for emergency use only. I had a regular cellphone account but the price has gone up to $30/month for 20 minutes of call time per month. As I never use the phone except for emergencies this totaled over $300/year down the drain.

I'll see if this pay as you go works out better for me. It involves an initial expense of buying the cellphone for $40. However, I will supposedly get a rebate of $20 if I mail in the information they want. Except a friend mailed in his rebate stuff and was refused. Sometimes I think they have a scammy sort of trick around rebates.

Meanwhile I called the landlady of the potential new rental and left a message that I was feeling pressured and needed more time to determine my life thus couldn't rent the house.

I got a message back from them kindly asking if they could do anything to accommodate me time-wise. They do want us as renters.

Meanwhile, I avoided calling back again and retortured myself all day about do I want to stay here or move off-cape?

Sometimes I just hate the way I am--continually unable to make choices, continually dithering back and forth about things. I need to keep reminding myself that there is no right or wrong choice. There is just the choice I make at the present moment. And whatever it is is OKAY. No one has some special key to the future. No one knows what will happen tomorrow. Everyone is choosing blind. Even though they may find many left-brained reasons for their choices, reasons are just window dressings on the truth that-- who the heck knows what the right answer is?

I guess sometimes the little girl part of me wants some other person to step in and make my choice for me. Tell me what the sensible and grown up choice would be. But how ridiculous. This is my life, after all. Why would I want to live it according to someone else's idea of what a "good" decision might be.

See. These sorts of debates go on and on inside me at times. I know it's hard for my friends to hear me be so wishy washy. Not to worry. I'll intuit it out in my own slow time. Thank you. Amen. Namaste.

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