Fruitcake

If you saw me from the outside, which is the only way you can see me, you would think I was calm, cool and laid back.

INSIDE I am a total fruitcake. A and I have verbally agreed to rent the three bedroom house. But when I tried to ask the new landlady for what I needed in terms of moving in times, I messed up. I THOUGHT I had spoken clearly. But you know me. I can't just say April first is the earliest I could move in. I had to say, "Or maybe March 15th."

Of course the landlady grabbed for March 15th, so now it is set up that we have to pay for two rental places for the last half of March. Here where we now are, and there at the new place.

On the plus side that gives us 2 plus weeks to move in. But it'd be cheaper to hire a crew to move us all in one day, than to pay two exorbitant rents for 15 days.

The point is---I need to speak up for myself and what I want and not be cowed by people who have strong voices and who seem to misinterpret my words.

Furthermore, do I really want to do this?? Why am I moving so fast?? I COULD stay here three more months. Giving me time to be clearer with myself.

I feel overwhelmed. The world is making me be someone I'd rather not be. But...it's just human after all. How many of us can hide in our little houses and not speak up and speak out for what we want and need? And is it healthy to be able to hide and not speak up?

My dad, a highly competent graduate of Yale and Johns Hopkins and chief of Pathology at Bridgeport Hospital for much of his life, was a feeb when it came to speaking up for himself in his personal life. He made the assumption that others should groke what he needed and provide it to him. He didn't "fight" for getting things more to his liking. He abdicated when the others who should did not come through. IE he did not ask directly for what he wanted and needed.

I, having read lots of self-help books and having been in therapy for about 20 years and having meditated and taken all kinds of assertiveness trainings and the like, have no excuse. I too am a wimp, easily bullied, easily ready to not rock the boat. So, life keeps giving me chances to change all that. To speak up and out. To take up space and make myself heard. Now is one of them.

That's why I'm praying to Ganesh.