Friday, May 04, 2012

Stale

 Lately, my life and person feel stale.  Everything is at a standstill and I have no desires or lusts or passions.  Here is the room where most of my lovely things are boxed in, ready to move at short notice.  They've been this way since 2009. Sometimes I unpack a few gems but then I pack them up again.  As a Libra I love beautiful things around me, that I can look at and draw inspiration from.  So why am I doing this (rhetorical question).

 Yesterday, in a pit of greyness, I unpacked my five dreamcatchers.  Hung them in the living room.

 I do have three small books layed out to glue up.  I fuss with them now and then.  But that's it.Boring, boring, boring.  I read reams of books, watch far too many movies, practice yoga almost daily, and mutter to myself as no one else is about.  The poetry group is over until the fall.  People are very busy with their lives.  Which is nice.  When I think of all the accomplishments my Cape Cod friends are involved in right now, I feel...limpid, ineffectual, lost and grey.  Of course, I know spiritually it is not effective to compare oneself with others.  It only leaves one depressed.  But even looking back on my own life, what I live now feels like Mrs. Paltry at the farm. Rather than Ms Vibrant and full of life.

 (Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont was a film about an elderly lady who lives in a  hotel with lots of other elders.  I love British films and books depicting these hotel livers but I think that was back in the days when hotels were reasonably priced. Now, it would be out of the question.)

A box of feathers collected by my friend Sarah, now deceased.  They were given to me after her death by the friends who went through her things.  I will use one feather in a little book.  How to reinvest my life with vibrancy, passion and love???  How to pull myself out of the slough of despond?

21 comments:

kj said...

oh how i want you to move to cape cod, suki. it is not mine to know what is best for you but i admit when you are in my prayers it is about you on the cape.

two days ago i received the most incredible gift. i did not realize the full extent of it until i turned over this little accordion book and found my family on its pages.

i have been walking around dazed by your generosity and the hand of friendship. thank you more than i could ever say.

if i did per chance know what was best for someone else, e.g. you, i would say 'get your ass in gear.'
because you know what, the cape calls to me too and i am listening.

love love
kj

Teri and the cats of Curlz and Swirlz said...

Dear Suki,

May just writing your thoughts and re-reading them, get you moving forward once again. I, too, am stagnant and only complete tasks when pushed. This weekend I have 4 days off and am trying to catch up so I can be a better friend to my friends, and myself.

The dream catchers...may they focus your dreams into realities...

Mystic Meandering said...

Dear Suki, I know it is hard wading through all the dead wood that gets us jammed up inside... I am looking at all that dead wood too - as you know...

I wish I could come sit with you and just rest in the deep, silent space of Being. Maybe an "answer" would arise for you from there, from the depths of Being within.

I love the pic of the feathers - so colorful and light filled. Reminds me of playfulness and imagination. Like when I'd play dress up as a kid, just putting a bunch of stuff together, creating a costume - pretending to be somebody else just for fun. As Byron Katie says: "who would you be without your thoughts?" LOL Today I be Amelia Earhart - flying free... (And I know that's not what she means! :)

Wishing you lightness and playfulness of Heart again...

~Babs said...

Perhaps your dusting off and hanging the dreamcatchers means something Suki.
Like you are ready to follow some dreams? One dream?

Although I can admit that at times your solitude sounds heavenly to me,,in our heart of hearts we know it's not good. Not full time, all the time.
I pray you'll catch yourself a dream Suki,,,

patti said...

I find being with people is stimulating. I do like being on my own, but this is okay when you have people around the rest of the time, too much solitude makes us eccentric.

Is the Cape still out of the question? A change of scene is also stimulating.

Good luck Suki, thinking of you and hoping you can shake yourself free soon. Xx

Robin said...

Suki, I know so well how you feel....and I also know it isn't a good or happy place to be. But...I feel I understand why you hav remained on *the Mountain* for so long....still, the time is coming where you will feel the *pull* of the shore...(or at least close to it). It's exactly like the first saying on your sidebar: "Something WONDERFUL will happen to you today!"

Believe it..... you are SOOOOO ready... I am glad you brought the Dreamcatchers out....they needed to breathe and to blow new ideas into your head and heart.

The Feathers are telling you it will soon be time to tak wing...and soar, once again.

Love to you and Bibitty,

♥ Robin ♥

Mim said...

Oh I love that box of feathers, what a lovely legacy.

its the time of year Suki - I have trouble getting off my butt to go from one room to another. Never mind drawing, or anything creative. not a passion right now, but I know it will return.

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

I'm sorry life has taken a turn at being stale right now but I agree with all your other followers...the dream catcher is symbolic of a new idea, a new plan or a plan ready to take place. I'll keep you in my best thoughts!

Umā said...

Perhaps it's the strange, silent lethargy of country life, because I find myself in a similar slump this spring, wondering if I really am going to be stuck out here forever like a hermit. I haven't even bought seeds for the garden yet...

soulbrush said...

I have a very dear friend in South Africa, and he is a Libran, and also 'stuck' since his wife died 3 years ago. he literally cannot make any decisions about moving or staying, or how to get on with his life. So, maybe it is a Universally known trait amongst Librans. I do still believe that when the time is right you will get up and go/do/achiev/move on. I feel that things happen for a reason in life, and 'when in doubt, say NO'. This is probably contrary to what I should be saying to you, but this is coming from deep inside me. Added to a million understanding hugs. xxx

sukipoet said...

Librans are known for having a hard time making a decision, and for balancing both/and ideas ad nauseum. that's why it would be nice for me to have a partner in this, one who makes choices easily and is a doer rather than the be-er I am.

Katiejane said...

Sorry you are feeling blue again. You should do what I did; go on a Road Scholar trip to somewhere interesting. Very affordable and you meet such nice people. I hope the summer brings you more excitement and fun.
P.S. I love those little books and the box of feathers are marvelous.

Lynn said...

I have no doubt you will do what is best for you when you get really tired of where you are. Familiarity is like an old slipper; comfortable and hard to give up. But when it really starts to fall apart there is no choice but to get a new pair/place/pace/activity/life.
When YOU are ready.

kimmie said...

I have felt that same way too. It often comes on me in late winter. Or late in the day. And now, late in my life. I have no solution on how to fix that Suki. But I think it is so great that you are talking about it. I would say that that is a good place to start.

louciao said...

Normally, I would be inclined to say, "Lie down and wait for this to pass" but it sounds like that's what you've been doing for too long now. And when I say this, I am speaking to myself as well as I have been stuck in a place and a situation that has not particularly fed or inspired me for far too many years. We have to let go and set out without looking back, even if we can't quite make out the shore ahead. Easier said than done, I know. When this feeling becomes intolerable, will it then be too late to leave? The problem is, the feeling is never quite intolerable enough to provoke action...especially when one has trained in finding the beauty in the moment or the surroundings. Sometimes a change is as good as a cure. And I have to ask, if treasures have been boxed up for 3 years, what makes them treasures anymore? Let go let go let go. I am speaking to myself and letting you listen in. I hope you find your way out of this malaise; I hope an answer and the energy finds us both.

Annie said...

Suki, I have been there. Sometimes I think as a woman alone we think we are always missing something, mostly because the world tells us we are, and I think some of that depression is brought on by believing that. I don't fall for it anymore. You can stay or move, but you will be taking you with you, so whatever you do get happy first. Easier said than done, but for me painting, gardening, walking all help lift me out. Perhaps you are simply just too hard on yourself. Giant hugs. xoxo

marianne said...

Being in a situation you don't want works paralyzing. Only you can change something about it. The question is, do you want to change it? It certainly looks this doesn't make you happy so...........

Wish you wise decisions dear ♥

Cathie said...

Oh Suki - you are not alone. We all go through this at different points in our lives. Have you ever read, A New Earth? Read it.

glitz said...

I feel sad for you Suki. All I can say is that this too, shall pass...I always think that for every blue day you have in your life you have a day of intense joy. I hope your joyful days come soon. Arohanui.

chewy said...

Hi Suki. Sorry, I've been away from the blog rounds. My professional life is in flux because of the economy...and maybe my age...and being "over qualified" for certain jobs. The good thing is I have time to paint, the bad thing is I can't afford to retire. - Great to see you are continuing your art making!

Umā said...

Wow, I returned to this post to see what words of advice fellow bloggers had for you Suki and am kind of blown away by louciao's comment, "When this feeling becomes intolerable, will it then be too late to leave? The problem is, the feeling is never quite intolerable enough to provoke action...especially when one has trained in finding the beauty in the moment or the surroundings." Ugh! This is so where I'm at right now myself! And I will say this - having a partner does not make it any easier, because if what one person wants isn't what the other wants it only adds to the confusion and heartache and stagnancy. Wishing you clarity.

PS: I am a Virgo but can well relate to the decision making issue!