Saturday, April 03, 2010

Pussy Willows seen on yesterday's walk.

I have caused harm and stress to both myself and others through my house hunting. If I ask the question, how can I create peace for myself and others around this issue, what is my answer?

It was so hot yesterday my foot was sweating inside this heavy shoe and sock. This culvert and the field beyond remind me of the marshland.

I am not accepting things as they are in the present moment. I am denying reality. I keep wanting a nice house needing little immediate work for a "low" price in a nice neighborhood. I keep trying to find this imaginary place. But, I must face the reality that the exterior world and my vision are at odds. On the East coast, prices are rising, quality is poor in my price range and I am burned out. I keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

In the grass near the above culvert I found a mussel shell! Surely there aren't any fresh water mussels?? Did some sea gull drop it here on a flight from the coast??

I hope all of you who celebrate Easter have a lovely time. And those who do not have a lovely time too.

17 comments:

studio lolo said...

It feels to me that you're understandably in a 'let down' state. You thought you had a house and just recently pictured yourself finally living in your own place. After some checking, things fell through. One minute you had a 'new life' and then it was gone in an instant.

You may need to grieve a bit Suki.
And accept yourself and love yourself in spite of not being comfortable making decisions.

And yes, try getting back into the 'moment' and embrace what is.
The Universe either gives us what we ask for or it gives us a square kick in the pants when we need it.

Be still. Quiet your mind if you can. Ask, and listen.

~Blessings and hugs~

Lolo

Annie said...

Is it too late to get that house?
I bet it isn't if you call and explain.It is your first house suki, it is normal to have fear around this as it is a big deal. Don't be hard on yourself. Being in the moment is the only way to go. Big hugs. xoxo

Robin said...

I think Lo is right.... you went through such a range of emotions - from very high excitement to rock bottom depression...that's hard on a person.

I hope you do take time out from house-hunting.... I'm glad it's Easter and your son will come for dinner.

Enjoy a quiet weekend, enjoy those gorgeous daffodills, (Irish - really?), enjoy your kitties and the warmth of the sun as Spring comes into her own.

Love,

♥ Robin ♥

kikipotamus said...

Suki, I think we all have SOME area where we keep doing things the same way while expecting a new and different outcome. Some of us just don't realize it or admit to it. I know one of mine is being too passive and expecting things to come knocking on my door rather than going out to find them. It's good that you SEE what is going on, but don't forget to have a sense of humour about your own foibles. I love the reports and photos of spring!

soulbrush said...

dear dear suki, just forgive yourself and let it go.stop being so hard on yourself. please.
blessings for you and your son this easter.

Britt Arnhild said...

I wish you a Happy Easter and good luck with your house hunting Susan.

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

Those Daffodils are gorgeous in your heading. Yes like Joss said,let it go. I told Con when he did his hand in, that it was done so we just move on as we cant undo it anyway. You know what you want. You just can't find it. But you keep trying and there is nothing wrong with trying till you get it right.

Lynn said...

I'm sorry this quest is so difficult.
I hope those who you feel you hurt will be understanding and forgiving.
I also hope the imagined world can meld with the real world in a way that will work in your favor.
It's nice when we can realize our dreams.

I once read a short story about an old woman who forever dreamt about her dream house to the point that she really thought she already had it. So when someone came along and actually gave her the house of her dreams she felt out of sorts as as far as she was concerned (in her mind) she'd been living in it all along.

I think it's like me and my dirty carpets that need replacing and walls that after 20 yrs deserve/need new paint. I no longer SEE the dirt or need for the most part...

...and I think I DREAD the mess and stress necessary to change it MORE than continuing to live this way in its dirty state/as is. Does that make any sense at all?

I hope you can enjoy the holiday!

PS Your banner is beautiful.

patti said...

Yes, don't be too hard on yourself. Use your feelings to propel yourself back out ther. It is Spring over where you are and a great time to view property.

With your new insight, another place may present itself as being the right one. Stay with it Suki. Don't give up! xx

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

lovely photos, especially the close up of the flowers! Enjoy your day and dinner!

Lisa at Greenbow said...

I wish for you Peace during this season and hope for a fresh new beginning.

Katiejane said...

I think you are wise to accept your own advice. You cannot change what is, you can only change your reaction. Keep shopping. There is something in your future for you. You just haven't found it yet. Perhaps the mussel shell is an omen?

kj said...

what insight and honesty you have written here, suki. i think doing this alone will be the beginning of experiencing things differently.

suki, i don't know why i keep wanting to tell you to revive the house on the cape, but i seem to. is it too late? do you still imagine yourself in it?

ambivalence is a tricky uncomfortable place. and i do think you will serve yourself well by getting off the dime sooner rather than later.

but there is no reason, no benefit, to beat on yourself. you're learning. that's obvious.

love to you, suki,
kj

Short Poems said...

Happy Easter Suki :)

Marinela

Claudia said...

Suki, I wish you a Happy Easter, too, and don't worry too much about the "house" thing. I think it is like with love: you see it and you think. that's it!- If you still don't want to sign a contract, something in you finds that it isn't the right house yet.-

...just my two pence...

~Babs said...

"caused harm and stress",,,naw, I don't think so Suki. That is a realtors job,,and it's not always easy, just like any other. The same for being a sellar. You just have to expect there will be some stress involved. So lighten up on yourself,,,and keep looking. It's out there!
And that shell? Maybe there used to be a sea where there is now land. Isn't that something to ponder!

Julie said...

That is a really pretty mussel shell!

I really think if you keep looking you will find your perfect house anyway. We really had to search for one we could afford as well...but for various reasons, one will pop up for you! Keep eating your toast, and build your strength and keep going!!! Yeah!!!

I got your package in the mail today...posted about it on my blog just now! Thankyou so much, Suki! It is just devine candy and I ate 6 peices already today!!! Oh God...I need to LOSE weight!!! Oh well...at least I will die happy!!! xoxo- Julie