Saturday, January 31, 2009

Random thoughts

Today is clear and bright and medium cold. At noon I will go to a nearby library for a free Visual Journaling workshop. I had thought of not going but was in the library yesterday and saw that only 6 people were signed up so I will go to support the teacher. Meanwhile my dreams are of gaping holes in the ground and malfunctioning septic systems. I think I need to watch "Cold Comfort Farms" to cheer my inner self up.

I awoke this morning with two clear thoughts. A) I want to travel. Possibly soon to go to NYCity to see the Bonnard show. But I also mean wider travel. B) I want to explore photography a bit more, get an upgraded camera. Although I have to confess that when I read about photography my brain closes down. So maybe I need to learn via a hands-on class.

I am worried about my son. But I see that something will always come up to worry me and distract me from my path. Mom, where to live, now my son. Previous to that my friend A. Previous to that my Dad. What I need to do is to refocus continually on what I need and want for myself. Not discarding, of course, doing what I can for those in need.

photos: random photos from the farm. Not necessarily relevant to the prose.


Judith said...

Hi Suki,

You have had a lot of things going on in your life just recently. Grief takes its time. Get out and about and keep yourself busy. Do things that will keep you occupied. Remember there is always friends here for you.

Teri said...

Dear Suki,

Your life right now reminds me of that lovely photo of the basket with the snow and berries...each thing separate and enjoyable on their own, but together a feeling of camaraderie somehow. So, enjoy the workshop, others will come away with some of you in them, do get away and travel and snap photos of things new to you, some time away from thoughts so heavy...

Teri and the cats of Furrydance, home of Coco, the new Cat Prez!

Lynn said...

Suki, I do believe you are over due for thinking about YOURSELF!
It's really A-Okay for you to do so.
You really are a caretaker aren't you? So how about taking care of YOU's your turn.

If you have the means to travel by all means do so! Enjoy it.

I do believe you have a natural eye for photography. No idea if a class will improve that. Maybe there are things to know about lighting, angles, etc. but you seem to capture beauty in everything you shoot. Your blog has shown us that.

I hope you will make decisions based on what YOU need now. It's your turn.

Annie said...

Lovely photos. Yes, there is always something to worry us, always. You are right to change focus. You do wonderfully well, Suki! I have learned that things usually work out and that people make their way somehow, your son will figure things out. Have a fun day in class :-).

m. heart said...

suki, i think having an eye for photography as you do is half the battle. books are ok but can be fairly intimidating when you're just starting out. having a camera in your hand to experiment with (and people to ask for advice when you need it) is better!

as for traveling...if you have to opportunity i say go for it!

~Babs said...

Aaah, I adore that top picture!
Your talent for photography is so obvious! The technicalities of it may be intimidating,,,as a visual person. I'd think hands on would be a good approach,,,would be for me, anyway.
So nice that your library has such things to offer,,,it won't be time wasted, that's for sure. And so good for the gray matter to be out,,,doing.
Travel? WOW,,,of course,,,any opportunities should be grabbed up,,gobbled up,and savoured!

Debbie in CA : ) said...

This transition in your life affords permission to open some new doors, take some new steps, become new and fresh in many ways. When my son died I was shocked at the amount of my day spent on other-care and even MORE SHOCKED to find that I resented all this freed-up time. I was content in the exhausting routine because it was comfortable and routine.

It takes time to process changes, unless we do it improperly in haste. Since our psyche will make us do a redo eventually if we choose incorrectly, give yourself time to relax and unfurl into this new season of life.

Worry serves no healthy purpose -- let worry go. Dreams should be given wing (those holes and septics should be set free so they will leave you alone). Find those tender green shoots of joy budding inside and nurture them. Go to a journal class because you WANT to . . . not as a supportive duty. I believe you do TOO MANY things out of duty and too few out of a well-spring of joyful desire. [Sorry, I think I may have been projecting my own feelings on you there for a moment -- but if the shoe fits, go ahead and try it on! : D ]

I come here to visit you because it is a rare gift to walk in an artist's thoughts. Let the artist take flight and retrieve the giving, loving, devoted you without harnessing her to others' issues. Worry will stop the flow and create a stagnant pond that fosters life but not of itself. Stay fresh and flowing and you will find that you meet others' needs with JOY not worry.

Enough blabbing . . . so sorry for the endless comment.

You're in my prayers.

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

Take advantage of this is there as a gift. It is so easy to get caught up in the worry place for others so this is a true time out. A trip to NYC might be the perfect prescription for a fresh look at the world outside as well as inside.

Teri C said...

Everyone has given such good advice to you and I agree with them all. Be busy, travela nd take your camera with you. Photography, like art, is practice practice practice and I think you are well into doing that.

Take care of Suki this time.


yoon see said...

I am your friend too:0
Cheer up!!!
I would like to dedicate this song to you.

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

Here's my two cents worth. Take baby steps. Today the class, tomorrow go to NY and see the Show you want to see. Enjoy NOW. See how the trip goes. Then do something else you want.. Baby steps. who said we had to do them all at once?! Things will flow into the next thing. and your Son is almost 40 He should be able to take care of himself by now. A Mother will always worry about her kids. Who will worry about the Mother?
And yes you do have a natural eye for taking photos. I too like hands on instead of books that don't seem to compute in the brain. :)

studio lolo said...

"Meanwhile my dreams are of gaping holes in the ground and malfunctioning septic systems."
If I were to take a shot at interpreting this, it tells me that you have big holes in you that need to be nurtured and filled and something is blocking you from obtaining this.
Put the oxygen mask on yourself first Suki. Worry about helping others once you've taken care of your own needs.
The journal class sounds timely seeing as you've started doing pages lately. And I agree about your photography skills. You have a great eye! Perhaps a hand's-on class would inspire you in ways you'd never imagined.
And Bonnard....oh, I'd so love to see his work up close!! That would be one step in the directon of taking care of your spirit ;)

It will all come together Suki. Look at the support you have!


Mim said...

Lots of good advice above - so none from me - just thinking about you and wanted to say Hello

soulbrush said...

lots of good things said by all, 'baby steps' strikes me as the most important of all. the other thing that strikes me, is the outpouring of love in letter-like form that people continually write on your blog. you are trulu loved. would your travels take you as far as london possibly?

Dianne said...

Dear Suki,
You are so blessed to have so many caring friends here! So much advice to look through. Follow your heart and get going on those travel dreams, it is now time for Suki, eat healthily, do your yoga, meditate, journal and paint. Be selfish... live in the moment.

soulbrush said...

i have tagged you, see my blog.

Leon Basin said...

Hey how are you doing?

katie jane said...

Suki, I'm excited and very supportive of your desire to travel. Would I could, I would. Why not, I say! Go for it. Just don't quit blogging. Be our eyes.

Britt-Arnhild said...

Your world looks cold. Just like here.

Cynthia said...

Suki, you have the insight and you know what to do...get out and travel! Once you decide where to go, everything else will fall into place. Sometimes we can help those we love by taking better care of ourselves. <3 Blessings and Love.

Lisa at Greenbow said...

By all means take care of yourself Suki. You can't help anyone unless you are in balance. Travel is a good way to open new doors and when you come home you appreciate home so much more.

I just got a new camera. I have played with it all afternoon. I laughed to myself when you said it puts you to sleep to read about cameras. I did that very thing this afternoon. Browsing through the new manuel put me to bed quick. Ha...

The photos on this post are nice. I love the first one. I am surprised the birds haven't eaten your berries yet. The birds ate all the berries out of our window box. I will have to put some more in there. It is fun to look out the window and see a Robin up close slurping up the berries.

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

BTW I forgot to mention something. We just watched 'Cold Comfort Farm' not to long ago and it really does cheer you up. Cute movie. I was wondering in the second photo what is all that white stuff in the sky?

patti said...

This sounds like a breakthrough for you. A journaling class, buy a camera, travel to NYC and in the process get some new perspective on things. Listen to your heart, you have been through a lot and need to care for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Hi Suki,
I was thinking of you today and sending warm hugs. I wish I had extra time to take some classes of some kind. Your first photo is nicely composed with the circular shape and the little red berries on the angular branches.

Clevelandgirlie said...

Suki - to have a son - is to have worries. I too have a son I worry over every minute of every day. You are not alone.

flower girl said...

HI!! you have avery lovely blog Suki!! I love your photography :)

sukipoet said...

Judith, thank you so much. I do think my impulse to run off to NYCity is partly a desire to get away from this place where all the dying has taken place. But also of course because I love Bonnard.

Teri, thanks for your interesting reflections. I did enjoy the workshop greatly and will soon post about the experience.

Lynn, thanks for your positive words. I think you may be right about "learning" photography. It may just be something I have to do a lot of. I did buy a little book y'day on photography, very simple one, and have read a bit of it. Some parts are interesting. I do hope to focus on my needs. Although frankly I feel i did that for many years and my coming to help out up here was a sort of counterbalance to my self-focus. Thanks so much.

sukipoet said...

Annie thanks for your vote of confidence. "Your son will figure things out." Indeed on some levels he seems to be doing okay with taking over some of the aspects of living that he let his dad tend to. I just need to trust.

m. heart thanks for your vote on confidence in my photography acumen. You are such a wonderful photographer yourself, I feel I learn just by looking at your pictures.

Babs, thanks. I am lucky to have met that man in yoga who told me of a local website that lists local events, that's what was really lucky. I also decided to join this library, which is in a different state so I had to pay, but it has been worth it as they have lots of activities and they post them and advertise them well. They are really a god send.

sukipoet said...

Debbie, what you say is so complex and beautiful. I have read your comment several times. I like what you say about not processing these changes in haste or then having to redo the processing. Maybe it is a good thing these events happened in winter as I am trapped here in a manner of speaking until I feel more comfortable driving on the roads for any distance. The snow is like a swaddling blanket for me, keeping me here even though I want to flee, so that i can heal and grow.

I went to the workshop for fun. It's just when my son's Dad died, i felt slogged down and without energy to chat with others at first. But then I knew it would be best not to give in to the desire to retreat, in this instance. I knew I would have fun. And i did. Thank you Debbie.

sukipoet said...

BSD, thanks. the class was fabulously fun. I met new people who were so interesting. Of course in reality I havent been to NYCity in about 30 years, so it might be too big a thing to do for me right now. But at least I'm dreaming.

thanks Teri. I should follow your example and learn new things.!!

Yoon See. thank you for being my friend. I'll check out the song presently.

sukipoet said...

Hey Cris, thanks for the advice. I like baby steps. In fact, in reality, that's all i can do. One baby step at a time. Still, sometimes I like to perk myself up with dreams of grand things.

Laurel, you are so right that seeing a real Bonnard (glad you like him too) would enrich my spirit. Not to mention even just being in that busy overwhelming place called NYCity. Actually I have an artist friend who lives there who might let me stay overnight at her place, or at the least would be someone I knew in the city. The show will be there for two months so I have time to contemplate the journey. And thanks for the dream interp. At various times in my life I have had these kinds of septic dreams or (pardon me) overflowing toilet dreams and I tend to think they reflect ovewhelming emotions about difficult things but the idea of a hole in me to fill with marzipan might also work!!

sukipoet said...

Mim, thanks for stopping by.

Soulbrush,I would be thrilled to be in London and meet you and the babe. You never know!! And thanks. I agree with your reflection on the warm outpouring on the blog. I was just overwhelmed when I logged on today and read all these beautiful comments. Thank you everyone. My heart feels lighter.

Dianne, thanks for your encouraging words and positive thoughts. You know, I practice the yoga every day and it saves my spirit for sure.

Leon, thanks for stopping by.

Katie Jane, I guess with a laptop I could take it with me and blog anyplace there is an internet connection. I dont know how traveling folks do it but I know they somehow do.

Britt-Arnhild, it has been frigidly cold but has lightened up a bit this weekend although snow still covers everything with little dripping today.

sukipoet said...

Cynthia thanks. I have always felt that, once he was an adult, the best way to help my son was to live my own life in happiness to the best of my ability, to have healthy habits, to be peaceful, to listen. By my example, (not that I'm perfect by any means) I will do my best.

sukipoet said...

Lisa, thanks for your words on self caring. And how great about your new camera. I think those instruction books have to be read one teeny bit at a time. I still hvent read all of my camera's instructions and most likely there are things I could do with the camera that I dont know about. I dont know why those berries are still around either. There are still a few birds up here, poor things.

sukipoet said...

Cris, the second photo was a night sky picture. It blurred as I set it on night sky photo thing. That is a star on the left and the moon on the right.

Patti, it did feel like a sort of breakthrough. I had been feeling very trapped and grim and worried etc. And when I woke with these ideas, my footsteps and spirit got lighter.

Hey Chewy, thanks for thinking of me and for the comments on the photo.

Cleveland girlie. I had to chuckle really at your saying "to have a son is to have worries." Perhaps so, perhaps a daughter would present less worries. I dont know. Thanks for your thoughts. Dont you worry to much either though.

Kim said...

Suki Dear, you are clearly in an incredible transition. You are sounding so very strong and determined...just the way I imagine you. Sometimes as women we take on so much...trying to be what is expected of us, right? As hard as we try it seems as though we cannot be all others want us to be, so we have to make sure we meet our own expectations. To me, it sounds as though this is just what you are doing. Good for You!

I think photography suits you so very well as you have shown us so many photographs which touch our hearts. I know what you mean about reading about photography as the books approach is so technical. A class will probably put you on the path you are seeking!

You have some very excellent support as you work through this. You are one amazing woman! There is some incredible advice here!

Here is a HUGE HUG for you!

Lynn said...

You know you might do best in a photography the salesperson at Ritz puts on small group classes in the store.
We are more right brain people, we artist types, we may do better seeing/hearing than reading learning.
Just a thought.

marianne said...

No wonder you are thinking about how to continue your path.
I love this post.
I think it is time you do something nice just for yourself! You have been caring for so many people lately it is your turn now.
Follow your heart Suki!
love >M<

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

Suki, I have a little something for you over at Blue Sky Dreaming. Please come over and pick it up!
Mary Ann

Jude said...

Hello my dear,
See, you do know the answers!!
We all need 'me' time, and you need alot of it. Plan that trip, go! Now!!! I find photograghy-wise, keep your NEW camera at hand 24-7 and just click away at everything that catches your eye. A couple of basic books on composition etc maybe, but I think you already know these things, hmm?
Start planning your new adventures.

Cestandrea said...

Hi Suki, love the pictures. And I find it a great idea to travel. Not to go away to avoid problems, just go away to get other perspectives, plenty of images to nourrish your creative self. Have fun in the journaling class!

sukipoet said...

Welcome flower girl. Thanks for your comments.

Kim, you are so kind and understanding. Definitely feels like a BIG transition to me. Part of it happening through circumstances beyond my control. But what is in my control is my reaction to the events that are forcing me to change, that are "kicking' me out of the nest of illusion I have been living in for years. Hmmm. One thing I do have is Mom's example before me, she was an incredibly strong woman. At some point i will blog about bits of her life story. Thank you Kim.

Thanks for the hug too Kim.

Lynn, I do think a class might inspire me. They have some marvelous, though expensive, art classes just 15 minutes from here, starting in April. I did buy a little book which is very basic so I am getting some enjoyment from it but as soon as he starts talking lenses this and that I loose focus.

Marianne, thanks for that reminder to follow my heart. I was feeling for a bit that I would not be able to do that re: my son's situation. But now hope is reviving. Even though a big part of my heart, of course, wants to help him esp at this time of transition for him.

sukipoet said...

BSD I will visit you soon, thank you.

Jude, I think you are right that the best way to learn is to just plunge in and DO.

It is true Andrea, that travel gives us new perspectives, new friends too. shakes up our "givens." Thank you. The journaling class was fun and I will post about it soon.