Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Fear

A sleepless night last night. Fears and anger flood me when I am tired or when I awaken at night and cant return to sleep. Today the rain pours, I wait around for a washer repair person. So far no artwork is forthcoming. Here is an old acrylic painting of my neighbor reading on my couch. This was at my beloved 20 year rental on Cape Cod. This is probably the most detail I do.

Do stop by Studiololo's blog to see this beautiful cat angel painting she made and dedicated to all those who are having a difficult time right now.


26 comments:

Dianne said...

Oh Suki, I know those sleepless nights! So sorry you are struggling with all those thoughts that come in the middle of the night! I go through sleepless periods, I have to get up and distract my mind - I read or even watch late-night TV and end up nodding off. It is very hard to be creative when you are feeling low and tired. It is good to write about how you feel in a journal or on your blog.
The thing is to try to live one day at a time and keep your mind in the present moment, if possible.
I was given this poem during a particulary hard time, it was written in Sanskrit & translated:-
"Look to this day,
for it is life, the very life of life,
In its brief course, lie all the verities and realities of one's existance,
the bliss of growth,
the glory of action,
the spendor of beauty.
For yesterday is but a dream,
and tomorrow only a vision,
but today well lived,
makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day,
such is the salutation of the dawn.

Dianne said...

PS This painting is full of life and homeliness, I can see why you chose to post it now. I love the couch and is it patchwork over the back? Your neighbour looks so at home!

soulbrush said...

it is a melancholy and lonely post, but that's okay, as that is how you are feeling. time is a great healer (trite but true).

Kim said...

Suki, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I do not claim to understand, but I am very empathetic to sleeplessness. I suppose for me, I have to go ahead and give attention to that which nags me...although for you that must seem an endless task. I think Dianne has some good advice of journaling and moving through each day as it comes. Time, in your case, is probably the greatest healer, so being patient with yourself is your greatest gift.

The painting you are showing here is really wonderful. I love your style. This young woman looks so happy to be at your house and reading on the artist/writer's sofa. That says a great deal about you, our dear friend.

I am glad you are sharing how you are feeling here, Suki. While I wish you did not have to go through this, I am also glad you have this place to write about what you are dealing with.

Sending you lots of love and a big hug!

Annie said...

This piece is lovely and I love the cat angel. You are doing great, Suki, there is nothing to do but walk through this tough time. Your mom will help as she is right there with you and also spirit is there and all your friends and blogging friends. We love you. Relax and try not to worry about tomorrow, just get though one day at a time right now.
Hugs.

Mary said...

grief has so many manifestations....and i always find the physical ones to be sort of interesting. it is not just our minds and hearts that grieve, but our bodies, too.

and anger and uncertainty are part of the grieving process. be gentle with yourself as you go through these days and weeks and months...

your life and your family needs time to rearrange itself.

Lynn said...

I would expect your mind to be so full right now...and fear is one of the emotions that come with being so unsettled. The unknown can be scary sometimes. Mosttimes.
But I trust you will pass through this all with flying colors...it just takes time. Be gentle with yourself.

Lovely painting of your friend reading on the couch. I like the colors and the feeling it evokes.

There's one more heart waiting for you at my blog today Suki.

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

What you are going thru is normal.
You will go thru the what if's, The if onlys and wondering what you could have done better. The guilt, the pain of being alone and the anger at them for leaving you, you will work yourself thru to the wonderful memories. I did this with both parents. More so with my Mom as I was with her through out her illness. So know you are not alone. Time DOES help heal. your memories will be more pleasant. The worst part is trying to fill in that void they leave. Keep yourself busy. Thats a great painting. I can pick out your painting style now. I think everyone gets their own style.
Thanks for sharing.

Teri C said...

You are doing the best thing while going through this time in your life...expressing yourself!!

As soulbrush said, time is a great healer. I have been where you are also so I know it is true.

Hugs

sukipoet said...

Dianne, thank you. That's a lovely poem. The end few lines seem very familiar to me. I think I had them written out in my high school journal but have no idea where I would have found them. On the back of the couch is an old family quilt.

Hi Soulbrush. Man, am i impressed that you can travel AND blog and check on others blogs too. I am a nut case when I travel. I hope you are having a glorious time.

Kim, I think you are so right that I need to give attention to that which is bothering me and keeping me awake. Be more like Chook and take action. I will try to keep returning myself to the present moment for it is THOUGHTS that a driving me nuts not necessarily what is with me in the present moment.

Thank you for your generosity in reading my moaning comments on the blog. The blog has become my journal really though in years past I journaled endlessly in little notebooks which sit moldering in my storage unit.

Annie thank you for that thought that my mom is right here with me. I do talk to her often and must remember that she will mother me into the next phase of my life.

~Babs said...

I love this painting Suki. It says more than a mouthful.
So welcoming, that quilt,,,,,feels very comforting, and is such a heartfelt piece.

Many stages of grief,,,,you'll get through each one.
I always knew my Mom embraced death,,,,the 'crossing over'.
SHe told us all, long time ago,,,to "turn her loose,,,grieve a short time if we must,,,and then get on with living,,,,she was planning to do the same,,,where she was going"
I realize it leaves a vast hole,,,but it will be filled,,,not replacing her, as nothing can,,,but it will be filled.
THROW some paint around,,,get angry if you want to,,,it's all part of the process, and will make you feel better.

sukipoet said...

Mary, thank you so much for your wise words. The anger is very hard to death with it coursing through my thoughts and body. But I know this too shall pass. Namaste.

thanks Lynn. I'll check out the blog. Funny the post didnt come up on my "follower" thing I dont believe.

Thanks Cris for sharing some of what you went through when your Mom and Dad died. My anger is more focused on my brother and his receiving the house and also the gloating he is doing about it all. However, maybe part of that is displaced anger too re: my folks leaving me behind. I dont know. Lots to ponder.

Teri thanks for the positive words and hugs. I must remember just to take one step at a time and to breathe.

Mim said...

Hey buddy - feel free to link to the dragonfly, it's yours anyway so I'll get it in the mail soon.

hugs, Mim

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

I have been meaning to tell you how much I love your photo on the banner...is this the pond?
How wonderful you lived in one home for 20 years...so many memories. Since, I left home, I have lived no longer that 6-8 years in one place.
I'm sorry you have dealt with sleepless nights, worries, anger and fear, everything seems worse in the middle of the night. I believe, this is an end time as well as the beginning of a new time...transitions are always tense. Take care

patti said...

All things must pass Suki, so allow the fear to wash away with each breath. Meditate.

Anger is transmutable, it needs to be expressed. I do stream of consciousness journalling if I'm angry, even if copious tears run down my face, I get it out of my system. Anger is one thing you do not want to keep.

Your painting has a warmth to it. It is such an ordinary scene, but it is rich with feeling.

willow said...

Sorry to hear about your sleepless night. Maybe after your washing machine is fixed, you can catch up on a few zzz's. If not, I suggest mashed potatoes. :^)

Kim said...

Suki, I think THOUGHTS are what you have right now...so they are what you have to go with. If you are anything like me, you might imagine something is when it really isn't. I tend to read things into my thoughts which might not actually be. The advice here is so true, you have to live through these stages of grief and give them the attention they need. There is something here for you. The great challenge is to not allow them to consume you, but to allow them to come out of you. That can sure be a fine line. I wouldn't think you would be allowing these emotions to consume you at this point. Anger is sure a huge part of grief.

I am glad you are journaling (here or where you need to) as my guess this experience will bring out the writer in you. We never know the gifts which will be presented to us and when they will come up.

I am just encouraging you to do what you need to do in order to proceed with your life...and you can't ignore the needs.

Love,

Kim

sukipoet said...

babs, your mom sounds like a wonderful, wise woman, as are you. I like that idea, throw some paint around. I know I must get this anger released as it is making me feel really bad. So far have not had the time with all the estate settling stuff.

Oh Mim. You are so sweet. I shall treasure that. And Soulbrush is sending me her painting too. Wow. I am surrounded by love. Thank you.

Blue Sky Dreaming, yes that is the pond. It was wonderful for me to live in that house for twenty years for sure. I am making up for it in these last 4 years as the move out of Mom's house will make five moves in four yrs and a few months. That is not good for me. Fragmenting. I know I am on a threshold. thank you for your insights,as always.

Willow, yes when you sleep well it seems easier to deal with things the next day. Turned out the washer was not broken and I paid forty dollars to find that out.


Patti I agree, anger is one thing I dont want to keep. It only harms myself. Thanks. I will try the journaling.

sukipoet said...

kim reading your second comment it occured to me that part of the anger/grief then must be I have to leave this house. I have no choice, it is not my house, the owner wants it. Whether he has two houses is not the point. The point is that I am grieving both Mom and my sense of place here with the pond, the well, the barn the fields the turkeys. Grieve these losses fully. Yes, my thoughts often think up scenarios that never occur in reality. Hey, I was a novelist for a long time. that's what they do. It is both a benefit and a boon. Or whatever that word it, it looks wrong somehow. Blessed be, Suki

Kim said...

Suki, this is a double grief and I can under stand how that can be a great challenge for you. While it is difficult to see it this way, in the end, you may come to recognize it as a gift...difficult to see right now, though. Truly, the key is to keep talking and keep feeling those feelings. You are a wonderful person and only deserve the very best...believe that with all your heart. It is the truth and it is real. At this point, you do not deserve to be pushed out of the house until you are ready to go...the end. You were there for your mother and you have been there for your brother...now it is his time to give you the space and the time YOU need. In time, the right thing will happen.

Love,

Kim

m. heart said...

when i know i will probably be laying awake at night with worry or sadness, i brew a strong cup of traditional medicinals nighty-night tea. it works so well i have been known to fall asleep on the couch with the cup still in my hand! the mind races at night.
wonderful painting, i love the warm colors.

kj said...

hello suki, i have of course seen warm references to you and am appreciative of your visit and words on my blog. i am so sorry about the loss of your mother. my mother is 92 and i can easily understand how much you supported and loved her. in time i hope space opens for you and is filled with all good things.

i'll be back to enjoy your take on the world...

Debbie in CA : ) said...

I have learned that life's journey contains some dark spots. I used to fear that I had been forgotten by GOD . . . lost in the fray . . . hopelessly drifting -- then I discovered that those dark times come about when I am sitting under His mighty wing in the most protected spot of all. And I learned to rest in the darkness.

Dear friend, perfect love casteth out fear (1 John 4:18) -- call on the Perfect One.

I keep you close to my heart in these difficult days. How I wish you lived near enough to drop in for a cup of cocoa and a hug; or better yet, join us around the table as we gather with friends and family and even a stranger or two (as it happens this year a friend will be bringing a sister on Christmas Eve that we have never met . . . a new friend, I hope).

If you find yourself near Grass Valley, Ca DO CALL or better yet just drop in (email me for the number and address). If not, know that I am praying for you and your brother as you chart new courses in the coming year. For now, simply rest in perfect love . . . as you dear mother does.

Sweet Suki . . . I'm so glad you're bloggy door was ajar the day I happened by. I found a new friend and a new place to love and learn. : )

Mim said...

I had hoped that your mom had changed her will about the house, but I guess she didn't do that. It is very bad for your brother to gloat and to force you out of the house, and I think that your anger and fear are very real, justified and need to be accepted for a time. You'll know when it's time to move on. You know you'll be OK in the long run and you'll get settled somewhere and not have to move again.

Families. wow.

hugs to you. mim

studio lolo said...

Dear Suki,
It's hard enough to process one change, one loss, but two? You have earned every emotion you're feeling right now. I'm sure the cold NH rains aren't helping the mood either, just adding to the gloom. I know the sun will shine for you again, and sooner than you think. Once you figure out where this journey is taking you, I know you'll embrace the path.
~Namaste~
Laurel

P.S. Thanks for the angel link ;)
I could add so many more names to the list now. Wow. Hard times.

sukipoet said...

Kim thank you for coming back with your warm, encouraging words. Actually he isnt exactly pushing me out in the present moment and as a friend said I need to query him as to what sort of plans he does have. He has said to take my time. As his wife just died, he understands by experience it takes time to recombobulate.

Thats a good idea M. Heart. I know that brand and will look it up. I often take hops at night too and that helps some.

KJ thanks for stopping by. Wow, your mom is up there in age too. It is an interesting age group for sure. It was incredible to come to know Mom the 90 year old so filled with dignity and grace.

Debbie thank you for your kind words and invitation. Hmmm, dont think I'll be in CA any time soon but you never know. "simply rest in perfect love." I love that, it give comfort. Thank you.

Mim I do hope it is true I can get settled somewhere and not have to move again at least unless I chose to do so. Mom couldnt bring her self to change the will in the face of my brother's anger about that. And that is okay really. I know she wanted to do it and that means a lot to me.

thanks for your words of encouragement Laurel. I will keep my mind focused on the sun and heat and loving energy of my blogland friends.