Sunday, April 27, 2008

Cranky

Poor hand. It turned red and felt like it had car pool tunnel syndrome. :) Why?



I spent quite some time trying to get the top off this bottle of varnish. I pushed down and turned as one does with pill bottles. I squeezed and turned. I turned it backwards. I turned it with my right hand once in awhile as I am left handed and tend to turn things wrongly. I did these maneuvers over and over with no success.

Finally I took a screwdriver and a hammer and hammered a hole in the top.
Actually that's not why I'm cranky. That was two days ago. I am not really sure why I'm cranky today, Sunday.

On Saturday I went to see a craft fair and bought a lozenge of beeswax. Then on to the library where I checked out this book about and by Wolf Kahn. I wasn't familiar with his work, but I love it. Pastels and oils. I am enjoying his manner of writing about his work too. I can't show you any pictures other than the cover due to copyright laws. But he is worth a gander. He loves purple and yellow.

So back to cranky. Is it merely because I wanted to work on the garden and the closest neighborhood garden center turned out not to be open until May 1st. I like to buy from my neighbors rather than Agway, however why in heavens name aren't they open. It's April 26th!

So I go home and Mom says, "Well you are having a lot of bad luck." This includes my search for a lounge lawn chair which so far hasn't turned up anything I like. Bad Luck? Why does this conclusion she made make me angry? I never would have looked at either of these searches as bad luck. Just, going out into the world to see what's what. If a store is closed, then I have gotten some information that will help me select the next thing to do. Ditto if a particular store doesn't have just what I'm looking for. Isn't that what "shopping" is all about?

But maybe the real question is why do I let myself be affected even a tid bit by my Mother's pessimistic view of life and life's situations? Why can't I let such comments just wash off my back like a drop of water? I spent 40 plus years learning to reconfigure the negative mind thoughts that I was raised with. Why am I succumbing now? How weak am I? Not that I buy into "bad luck." Just again though... why am I cranky? Rhetorical question.

12 comments:

Kim said...

Hi Suki, You know I think I totally understand what you are dealing with. I do not do well with negativity, either. I think several things might be at work here. One the fact you have worked so hard to keep the positive foremost in your life, and when someone takes something so simple and makes it a negative experience. I am sure your mother had no idea what she was doing when she said that. It is irritating, though, to even contemplate what one gets out of seeing the glass half empty!

I know your mother is different from a spouse, but what I say to my husband when he gets that way is, "Now how might you say that in a positive way?" And often when he is negative he doesn't even recognize it as negative. But you do have a right to let your mother know it gets under your skin!

I hope you are successful in finding the right chair soon...it is a challenge when you have in your mind what you would like. And just a few more days for the garden center to open. It has been a cooler spring this year (yippeee, I say), so maybe that is the reason for the later opening.

Hang in there, my friend! Maybe throw some paint at a canvas this afternoon! :)

Honour said...

Oh, Suki - how fascinating ... I am reading a book on this subject right now. Don't think of it as succumbing ... sometimes we just slip into old "neural pathways" that are used to being used. (Kinda like trails in the snow) ... And, because they've been used so many times, when we are tired, it's really almost a biological thing. We slip to those ways. But, it sounds like you and I read and ascribe to the same approaches in life (zen, meditation) ... and if you can just see that - it kinda helps you see it for what it is. And, if it annoys you -- then let it annoy you for a little while .. and it will be washed away, after it's been recognized and respected and acknowledged. I may sound wise, but I'm not ... as this advice is truly advice for myself, dear Suki (that is if you don't mind being my medium!). Anyway - I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts ... we all have our cranky days :)

WILSONART said...

Hi Suki, I come to you via Kim.

I've really enjoyed my visit around your blog! Some awesome photography and art here. (and hair) :-)

Everyone has the right to a cranky day now and then,,,,,,
(I'm sure I read that law written somewhere)

~Babs

sixty-five said...

I'm a huge Wolf Kahn fan. He is losing his sight (why does that happen to so many great artists?) but keeps on going with great spirit and energy.

Cris in Oregon said...

I think everyone has their down days. Who knows what sets us off now and then. Tomorrow is another day.:)

Cestandrea said...

Dear Suki, hi, your posts always make me smile, and ponder. I won't comment on the second part of your mail cause the other blog friends already did this so well. Just one thing:It takes a lot of training to let slip things off one's back like a raindrop off an oily canvas:) I, like Kim, am dealing with a sweet husband who is dealing with "glass half empty instead of glas half full" issues and have had some training, (well 7years are not so much, but it was a very intense training!:)

I love your description of how you communicated with this screwed-up bottle top:):) especially at the end! LOL
Next time try this: hold the top (just the top) under very hot running water. Generally this works, be it plastic or glass or metal. It delates the top which then will get off easily.
Love
Andrea

Mary Richmond said...

being a crankypants now and then is a right we should all protect and embrace! mothers are put on this earth to keep us on our toes and keep us honest. they test every fiber of our beings some days while others they confirm everything that they are. your mom is just who she is. she probably thinks ascribing something to bad luck is helpful for you because it it is for her.

Those of us who try to move beyond negativity confuse those who are happy to stay there. Your mom can't help it.

Taking a long walk and taking pictures is a great response ;-)

And I LOVE Wolf Kahn. Did you know he painted in P'town and has a lot of connection here? The P'town museum had a show of his very early work here last summer.

sukipoet said...

KIm, thank you for your understanding reply to cranky. And for the example of what you say to your husband when he gets negative. I agree, I do not think folks hear themselves as negative.

And perhaps mom just thought I felt discouraged and was trying to empathize in her own way. Little does she realize I know and am at ease with the fact that i have to try many things at least 3 times before I find what I want. And I don't find that discouraging at all.

Actually I did explain to her why I didn't see going to a store that was closed as "bad luck." At least it helped me to explain. Not sure if she understood what I was talking about. But that's okay. It's all just interesting. Different people's ways of being in the world.

Honor, thanks for your lovely reply. Yes, I forget that we do slip into the old pathways sometimes. Forget that I and everyone else are "human." Yes, that is very Zen, to allow the annoyment to be there and then watch it pass as every emotion and thought does. Do you read Ane Pema? I think she speaks so well to emotional stuff. And of course I don't mind you sharing your thoughts, I welcome them, Honor my dear. You aRE quite wise, as we all are in our own ways.

Babs thanks for stopping by. I will come and check out your blog. I have seen your comments here and there and always --wrongly--assumed "Wilsonart" was a man. !!!!!

Sixty-five, sorry to hear Wolf Kahn is loosing his sight. He must be in his 80's now too. I guess he has a summer home up here not too far from where I live.

Cris, thanks, you are right. Emotions go up and down seemingly at their own volition and who knows what sets them off really, under it all. Thanks.

Hi andrea. Well I know what you mean by a lot of training. Yes, nice way to look at it. I guess that is the reason our loved ones are in our lives, to, as Mary says, keep us on our toes.

Re: the lid. I have used the hot water method before and maybe it would have worked this time too so thanks for the reminder.

Hey Mary, yes I guess mom is keeping me on my toes and keeping me honest. Good thought. Well, she's doing some pretty good work then.

In the Kahn book they do mention his times in P-town. He studied with Hans Hoffman. Did you see the show when it was there? I guess he also had a Brattleboro show in the past few years too.

Thank you everyone for your sympathy and advice. Blessings and Namaste, Suki

marianne said...

Hi Suki, How familiar this sounds.
My mother is the same too, always explains everything in negative and I have reached a point one day I could not handle it anymore and I react very " short " on this. No matter what my mother alllways ssems to get on my nerves, even now she is in rehab and not the same anymore. She used to make me feel guilty about just anything. Now that she is not doing it on purpose anylanger I feel guilty that I don't have more patience with her....... It never ends. I feel guilty because I let her get on my nerves, I let her irritate me. Silly. I intend to try every time and know we don't have so much time left, it's sad.

sukipoet said...

Marianne. I think there is just some special connection or lack of connection or desire for a connection that can not be, between mothers and daughters. Probably we have expectations of what we want from our mothers and they then don't meet those expectations and we get angry and upset and then guilty because we get angry and upset esp when they are old and frail.

Truthfully if my mom had died several years ago I would have had a totally different picture of her and our relationship than I do now. Now, yes I do get upset at times at her attitude. But she is so different for the most part from her old domineering, bossy self that I am almost in shock that a person could let go of being in constant control in the way she has. Thank goodness, or I couldnt live with her the way I have been for the past 8 months. I used to be angry every time I came to visit her. Almost everything she said set me off.

Things have been better recently, that's why I got so upset about myself falling into the angry, upset mode again. But, as everyone has said, I am human, she is human we all have so many complex ties esp to our mothers. Interesting really.

I pray you find some peace with your mom and with yourself in relation to your mom. I know how you feel. Blessings, Suki

CHEWY said...

Suki,
I live with my Dad who is in his 70s. He has been gradually using more negative phrasings. I'm coming to understand that it is something that happens to some people as they age. As a result, I bite my tongue a lot. Similar to Kim's husband, my Dad doesn't even realize he's doing it.

sukipoet said...

Thanks for those thoughts Chewy. I do bite my tongue a lot too. Usually. Or, I chant (silently) until my irritation passes and hopefully I havent said anything unkind.