As Joan Rivers used to say: "Can we talk?"
Sitting in the chair, looking out the window at the snow and ice coated trees, I said to myself what is it I really want?? I mourn no longer living in my cheap ($300/month) twenty year rental. Living there with no rent change for years via the blessings of my landlady was like having a patron. I was able to write and paint without needing to accumulate a lot of money. I slid along on a pittance. But I also(unfortunately) was able to not take responsibility for creating a more secure future for myself. Although in the present moment of that time I did create a beautiful home, and a space for peace and creativity.
But the landlady chose to sell the house. It was over 200 years old. The buyers will tear it down. It needed lots of work read money put into it to make it modern. Those are the facts and that is the past.
Now, three years later, I can take myself in hand. I can determine what I want and find a way to actualize it. Maybe my three semi-homeless (in the sense of not having a cozy house all my own to decorate and make homey) years are an equivalent of Ekhart Tolle's three years sitting on a park bench and contemplating.
I have indulged my not knowing for three years. Now, let me make some conscious choices.
OK. What I think I want so far is to be WARM. Wherever that might manifest. I want a house or condo of my own to decorate and where I can unpack all my boxes of dolls, doilies and doodads. And that will not cost an arm and a leg. Affordable is the word and maybe that means affordable twenty years ago. Three hundred a month fits my pocketbook.
I want time and space to paint and write. I want a space where my cats are relaxed and at home and happy. I want to paint a lot of paintings even though I am not Cezanne. I want to do some bookbinding. Also learn to felt. And keep trying to watercolor.
I want to travel. To see Paris, maybe Australia as it is so warm there, to see Dartmoor, the Bronte's home. To see Spain and Gaudi's buildings, to see Italy and be hot. To see Norway where Cora Sandel was born. To be in the southwest of the US where homes are made of adobe and it is HOT. Lots of sand and cactus.
I want to read lots of books and see lots of movies and eat lots of new foods including macaroons which I've never tasted.
I want to chat and visit with lots of friends. I want to have plenty of alone time too to contemplate and empty the bowl so it might be filled again.
Ok. That is enough for now. That is the most I know. What I don't know is just how to manifest these things for myself. There is a lot there. Maybe more than I can do in a lifetime. So what lies underneath these verbalized wantings? That is the ?
How about you all? Can we talk? What do you want to manifest in your life? Or maybe you are perfectly happy with all you do have right now in the present moment. I am that too. Ironic isn't it. I can breathe, be present and feel blessed to have shelter, clothes, food and paint and kitties and Mom and beauty outside. The paradox of being human.