Saturday, February 09, 2008

What do women want?

As Joan Rivers used to say: "Can we talk?"

Sitting in the chair, looking out the window at the snow and ice coated trees, I said to myself what is it I really want?? I mourn no longer living in my cheap ($300/month) twenty year rental. Living there with no rent change for years via the blessings of my landlady was like having a patron. I was able to write and paint without needing to accumulate a lot of money. I slid along on a pittance. But I also(unfortunately) was able to not take responsibility for creating a more secure future for myself. Although in the present moment of that time I did create a beautiful home, and a space for peace and creativity.

But the landlady chose to sell the house. It was over 200 years old. The buyers will tear it down. It needed lots of work read money put into it to make it modern. Those are the facts and that is the past.

Now, three years later, I can take myself in hand. I can determine what I want and find a way to actualize it. Maybe my three semi-homeless (in the sense of not having a cozy house all my own to decorate and make homey) years are an equivalent of Ekhart Tolle's three years sitting on a park bench and contemplating.

I have indulged my not knowing for three years. Now, let me make some conscious choices.

OK. What I think I want so far is to be WARM. Wherever that might manifest. I want a house or condo of my own to decorate and where I can unpack all my boxes of dolls, doilies and doodads. And that will not cost an arm and a leg. Affordable is the word and maybe that means affordable twenty years ago. Three hundred a month fits my pocketbook.

I want time and space to paint and write. I want a space where my cats are relaxed and at home and happy. I want to paint a lot of paintings even though I am not Cezanne. I want to do some bookbinding. Also learn to felt. And keep trying to watercolor.

I want to travel. To see Paris, maybe Australia as it is so warm there, to see Dartmoor, the Bronte's home. To see Spain and Gaudi's buildings, to see Italy and be hot. To see Norway where Cora Sandel was born. To be in the southwest of the US where homes are made of adobe and it is HOT. Lots of sand and cactus.

I want to read lots of books and see lots of movies and eat lots of new foods including macaroons which I've never tasted.

I want to chat and visit with lots of friends. I want to have plenty of alone time too to contemplate and empty the bowl so it might be filled again.

Ok. That is enough for now. That is the most I know. What I don't know is just how to manifest these things for myself. There is a lot there. Maybe more than I can do in a lifetime. So what lies underneath these verbalized wantings? That is the ?

How about you all? Can we talk? What do you want to manifest in your life? Or maybe you are perfectly happy with all you do have right now in the present moment. I am that too. Ironic isn't it. I can breathe, be present and feel blessed to have shelter, clothes, food and paint and kitties and Mom and beauty outside. The paradox of being human.


Britt-Arnhild said...

Welcome to Norway, to the homeland of Cora Sandel. I'll love to be your guide here....and might even find a few macarons for you.

human being said...

This is great ... when we talk loud at last...

Sure all people have a never-ending list of longings... no one is perfectly satisfied... our wishes are chained to one another...
But there will be some point when you come to know that what you want is not in contrast to what others want ...maybe it's just a bit different... and you can show them little by little that when you pursue your dreams they are not ignored... They learn to respect your wishes...

All your anguish, I think is rooted from a hidden guilt about others who you are responsible for...
I had the same problem. But I came to know that the more I respect myself and follow my own wishes, the more they respect me and accept me..
Suki, you are on a very bright path ... go on ... Be brave!
Love you.

Cris in Oregon said...

Hmm I think our wants change as we age. Right now what I have now is what I want. If I were to wish for one thing it would be to have this back problem gone completely!!! LOL on and to taste a MACARON too!!! The days of those $300.00 rents are gone with the wind I fear. You need a vacation in some nice WARM place right now. Sounds like this COLD QUIET winter there has made you face alot of things in your life. Thats not bad.
Hugs Cris

anney said...

Your words are inspiring. I, too,
want to change my life to suit me.
Partly to be happy, partly to stop
lamenting the lack of the things
I want. The ideal situation is a
good focus for visualization, which
doesn't come easy to me, but coupled
with affirmations IS easier. I like
the idea of twenty years ago rent,
in fact I think that's what we need.
A highly affordable life, with our
needs met without all this bluster.

sukipoet said...

Britt-arnhild you are so sweet. I will feel so welcomed in Norway. Thank you.

thank you human being for your thoughts. That is a perspective I'd never thought of. Really for most of my life I think havent taken responsibility for others, so to try to do so now a little is a new path for me. From my pov my main conflict is myself and within myself and my timidity in the world. My lack of grabbing (as I word it) things for myself but rather just passively letting life unfold as it will.

Cris it is true that the cold and quiet has made me reflect though I am quite a reflector anyway. But also being 62 and here with my SIL at 56 dying and knowing that life is short and we don't know when it will be our turn to die so I want to LIVE live live right now. But what I do in my life has changed due to loss of that house and also loss of the thrust to write long works. Anyway, I do hope your ribs release the pain and you are in comfort again.

Anney, I click on your name and it doesn't take me to your blog if you have one. Good to hear your reflections. Hope that your visions of what you would like in your life impel you onward to manifesting them. As said above, life is short and uncertain. Let us make our present moments full of joy and peace.

Anonymous said...

Maybe look into Couchsurfing. What do I want to manifest? I want to manifest a place to live with almost monastic simplicity. No clutter, nothing owned that does not serve a very important function. Lots of room for energy to move. I do not want to share this space with another human and I want to shake the guilt that is currently preventing me from giving this to myself.

Lynn said...

I'd have to say I am living my dream...comfortable in my home, liking my career, glad I have good health, enjoying new arts and crafts, happy with my DH, kids and grandkids and brother and cousins and other family members, thrilled with friends who call and want to get together, and making new friends in this Blog Land every day. I have to say I have it made!
I wish you all of my happiness in your life time too.

Cestandrea said...

Hi Suki. You have voiced all these things that you wish for yourself, that's very important. It sounds good, and not too much asked; I'm sure you'll succeed in making your cats happy:)and also in coming to Paris one day and try the macarons!

Cestandrea said...

PS: my dream is the things I'm working on right now: making people happy with my art, be able to make a living with it, to be able to help people who are not so happy.

Patti said...

I dream of simplicity too. Mostly good energy around me. Freedom to be who I essentially am. Security, creativity, connecting with kindred spirits.... I have most of this already and I am grateful for every moment. Don't 'wish' for all you want manifested - believe it to be real already. You're so right - live right now!

sukipoet said...

Lynn, how wonderful that your life is just as you would have it. It does sound lovely.

Kikipotamus, I love simplicity too and in fact have it right now to a large extent. I hope you are able to manifest living alone if that is what is best for you.

Andrea, your life sounds so lovely and I am glad it satisfies and pleases you.

Patti the things you wish for and have sound enriching and nourishing.

Of course when I stop and look I have many of my wishes now. But every one in awhile I think it's good to verbalize so one can see that one is rich already. Blessing s to all. suki

Elizabeth said...

Well if you would like to stay with us a while you are very welcome - we have a very small spare bedroom with a comfy bed & Dartmoor is a 25 min drive up the road :-)

As for everything else, I don't know how to manifest such things. If you find the answers please let me know.... sighhhh!

I currently try affirmations, and 'cosmic ordering' with mixed results. Sometimes the results are good and immediate, sometimes the results are good but many years in the arriving.

What do I wish for - travel, travel, travel :-)
The list is long but also companionship, friends who phone me instead of always the other way around, continued good health, to be happy, for my boy to be happy & healthy.
oh and to find out what macaroons taste like!!!!

sukipoet said...

Elizabeth, you are so sweet with your offer of a spare room. I didnt know hyou were so close to the moor. Lovely. Sometimes I can manifest things and other times not. But maybe not all things I think up to "want" need to be actually manifested in this one lifetime. But some, yes. And maybe speaking them out will manifest them for someone else. YOu know, the vibrations of desire for travel say, spoken out, manifests for someone somewhere else. Or is that too new agey.???