Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Done with the Perky

OK. I've wanted to be "perky" in my blog, like Carol in her Paris Breakfasts blog. But today I do NOT feel perky. I feel sad, depressed, angry, all at once. Well, tired too and maybe that's why I'm breaking down and writing about it in my blog for the whole world to see.

It's my own fault for not listening to myself. It's my own fault for continuing to try to get orange juice from a rock. It's my own fault for being a cowardly chicken and for imagining I am grateful for little bits of grain left behind by the other dominant chickens. Oh thank you thank you, I don't need much. I'm happy with two little specks. It's my own fault for being human and hoping I can create a loving, kind relationship with another human being. Trying my best. But, as they say, my best is not good enough.

I admit that I tend to be hypersensitive and thus perhaps am a difficult person to live with. I have a hard time adjusting to the ups and downs of another person. It was due to my hypersensitivity (although I didn't call it that then) that I lived alone for those 20 years. I was too easily overwhelmed by others and thus must be alone. I didn't want to burden another person with my own ups and downs.

But in recent years, since losing my rental, I wanted to try again being a normal human and live in relationship to another. It is very, very difficult at times.

But I think that's enough on that. The day is sunny, after yesterday's foggy rains. I have a great book to read. I attended Alanon last night and listened to people talk. I am an adult and can choose things that give me joy. For all I know I could die tomorrow, so let me choose joy today, in every moment.

"Freedom is in THIS moment." A quote from Jon Schreiber of Brema bodywork. Namaste.

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