Thursday, September 24, 2015

October My birthday month




I dont usually get wrapped up in my age, my birthdays and so on. Yet approaching 70 does give me pause. I seem to notice small vulnerabilities and in my head make more of them than they are worth. I ponder my purpose, which is not the same as it was when younger. And I am not sure what it is. I am of little significance except perhaps to my son to whom I provide a place to live
On my 60th birthday I came up to NH to visit my parents. They were both alive then and Russ my brother and his wife Nora and my ex-husband. My friend old pajamas came too We stayed in a B and B now closed. We were here for the Alstead flood and for the Dublin Art Tour in the pouring mud and rain. The Brattleboro Literary Festival was on and we listened and enjoyed. It was a nice birthday.

I have had some lovely birthdays too with my Cape Cod friends from our women's group and other friends from the early 80's. I felt seen, acknowledged. For my 70th I wanted to do something fun. I hate planning, but thought of Paris, London, Santa Fe or San Francisco.
No way could I pull those off. Haha. I will drive 5 hours to be in the presence of friends. Upper Cape and Mid Cape and possibly lower Cape. Even this somewhat humble adventure feels self-indulgent and a bit scary. No idea why. And planning had to happen. So I have had a month or so to be nervous. I ask myself can I do it? But I ask this of myself always. I always fear I wont be able to "pull it off" so to speak, whatever it is. Yet, I always do.
This birthday time seems auspicious, what with the September 18th eclipse and full moon (?)  Have I got that right?  Some big event anyway and I can already feel the energy of it, thrombing inside me and around me.  A nice introduction to my month.  



My friend Sarah, now deceased, used to say celebrate a month, not one day. Unbeknownst to me she placed two votive candles on the hood of my car.  I took off down the road and heard a thump thump.  Oh no, my car is falling apart.  I stopped by the roadside and found the candles had thumped down my hatchback rear and caught on the windshield wiper.  LOL.

That's the friendly and rich way it was when I lived on the Cape. Now I have a lovely virtual community. But I cannot observe my friend's eyes and gestures or hear their voices.  I love to observe people, their clothes, their way of doing things.  I am a magpie so I learn how to do things by watching my friends.  I am an observer and when you observe in "real time" you are seeing in many dimensions all at once.  For an introvert, it can be overwhelming.  But I love it and used to return home to my solitary abode and assimilate and contemplate what I had seen, felt, smelled.  A sort of balance between extro and intro.  And then I wrote stories and painted paintings to release the sense of overwhelm.  The younger me.

Who am I now?


17 comments:

Lisa Greenbow said...

I do think when you get older you become more cautious. Let go and be free this month of October. Enjoy your life. Go see your friends. Drink them in and bring them back to your home to savor.

Mystic Meandering said...

How wonderful to be celebrating your 70th with such richness of memories and anticipation of what life will bring you now. You have reached quite a milestone. I love your reflections and ponderings about how your life has unfolded. How true that our "purpose" changes with the tides of life, so that we are always having to adjust to the tides, so-to-speak... And I understand the self-doubt and anxiety too... Seems as we age we become more aware of things that "could" happen on our life adventure, and the what ifs, and if we are strong enough to handle them. I think about this a lot too... Still, I hope you are able to enjoy this birthday in a special way in your favorite place... :)

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

Great photos and in case I forget Happy Birthday!
I am ahead of you and I must admit I noticed changes at 70...some aging ailments and some attitude turns. I have decided to be my best caretaker. No neglect on these little aging fixes and also careful to enjoy what seems now like no turning back. You and your scrabble have to be good for your mind as well as some hiking with friends...carry on into a new journey!

Andrea Hupke de Palacio said...

Suki, I can relate to your feelings, although I'm not yet there...I love your poetry, your gentle observing way and your presence, virtual, but still there! I always count on your being there observing your FB friends and blog friends, I always read your thoughtful words, I wish we could look each other into the eyes, and look at the way we are dressed today (I am in a jogging trouser and a linnen shirt, Birkenstock house shoes, my hair held back with a ribbon, little phony earrings, a bracelet with tiny garnet stones my mother gave me, reading glasses on, a glass of white wine besides the computer, Knut asking for my attention, the dog asleep on her cushion. We love you!

sukipoet said...

Thank you Lisa. I will try to have more fun than worry. Haha.

sukipoet said...

Thank you so much Mystic. I think we are often on the same wave length. Seeking a balance of peace and solitude in our lives. Do I recall that you also have an October birthday?? I have a feeling October is going to be wonderful.

I got a start on my birthday treats to by having a wonderful massage. Love, Suki

sukipoet said...

Hellow Blue Sky. I like what you say about being your best caretaker. Yes, this is what I need to remember. It is the healthy way to be. Although once in awhile I still think a Mom or Dad is going to step in and caretake. And they do by the memories they leave us with. But on the earth plane, it is up to each person to take care of themselves and give themselves blessing. Thanks for you wise words Blue Sky. Love, Suki

sukipoet said...

thanks you for reflecting on what I contribute to the virtual world. Yes, well maybe some day we will meet in person, who knows. Thanks for describing what you are wearing! You are good with clothes both in drawing and in words. I can picture you so well. !! Blessings to you dear Andrea. Love, Suki

patti said...

I think we all evolve and so reflect that in our selves. I think marking the years is a wonderful thing to do and you describe those changing tides so well Suki. I am not the person I once was, yet I am all those things at the same time! I just want to embody the best person I can be at any point in time. I want to experience all that I can while I still can. Thank you for sharing, you are always right on the mark! Love to you, you lead the way X

sukipoet said...

Thank you Patti. Love to you also. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Love, Suki

studio lolo said...

I wish choices were easier for you to make. I feel bad that you struggle so, especially when it comes to making a decision that would be good for you.
As someone said, feel the fear and do it anyway! The Cape is in your soul, Suki. You deserve to be there. You can visit your son who will be four hours away. This is YOUR time. Be okay with that. You'll thank yourself. xoxo

sukipoet said...

thanks Lo.

lauren raine said...

This moon eclipse has brought the light and dark up from depths for so many of us. Thank you for the voice you give us here Suki - I read this post with such questionings arising in my own heart, and tears came to my eyes in the reading.

I'm almost 70 too, and I also ask the question, which hovers around me like a ghost now, "who am I?". Sometimes it seems to me that the world has moved on, that I no longer seem to have a place in it, that I am surrounded by younger people to whom I am invisible, that, like Leonard Cohen wrote, my loneliness "says that I sinned", but I can't seem to figure out how or where that occured, except for growing old in a world that seems to be moving too fast for me now. Who am I?

But the simple truth you show is that the answer may be right there, in the moment, even the moments one feels so formless and unformed again. Thank you.



Umā said...

Happy birth month, Suki. I think our purpose always seems to be changing but in reality remains the same - to realize the answer to that question so many of us, like you, have asked along the way, "Who am I?"

sukipoet said...

Thank you Lauren for your thoughtful reply. Much to ponder there. I sometimes think I must have "sinned" to end up living in such an isolated area. Although of course I could move, i know that. And for me also the world feels like it moves so fast. And I am moving slower. Be well, Lauren and thanks.

sukipoet said...

Uma, thank you. Yes, perhaps we ask that question through our entire life. Perhaps it is never really answered. Present moment, wonderful moment.

kj said...

i like what lo said and i have to agree with her. why deny yourself where you are happy because of fear? i can tell you my recent move has been horrible and i've more than once doubted the decision to come to the cape. but each day i am feeling a little more grounded and i begin to look forward to whatever's ahead.

i hope you move where you want to be, near a community where you feel welcomed and included. why not, suki? there will always be reasons not to, that's for sure.

my age is not far behind yours and i understand your refection. in some ways we are the people we have always been. and too, layer upon layers of joys and losses and large and small punctuations. at my high school reunion last weekend--50 years!--i felt a breathing out from many of my classmates; like they/we could finally and fully be ourselves.

and why the f--- not?! :^)

love
kj