Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Going over the same material again and again

"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you. " David Whyte

Of course, this I know. And this and other things I never "learn" but must go on relearning and rediscovering. So much soul searching going on to no concrete avail.

This is why "The King's Speech" moved me. He had HELP overcoming his blockage to moving forward. Not to mention he resisted the help for quite some time. But the helping person persisted. As did he.

We all have areas in our lives where we need help. And frankly I think it quite honest and mature to be able to pinpoint the area and ask for help!!! We New Englanders have some sort of Puritan and stoic tradition to uphold which says never ask for help. But I overcame that when I lived amongst other humans who were always helping each other out as a matter of course.

Those of you with partner's, husbands, wives, and living in areas where there are people as opposed to trees and bugs, just cannot comprehend ( I don't think) what it is like to live in banishment from other human beings. To go day after day with no conversation with others, even shopkeepers as who needs to shop every day. So why do I stay here?

Actually two different people offered to help me recently. One said would I be willing to let someone else pick out the house/condo and do the process for me. Another asked how might they help, leaving the mode open. I know my friend A. and D. and C. and another C. on Cape Cod have helped in the past and are willing to help now.

At this point I am so tired of seeing places from the past two years that I have no enthusiasm for renewed house searching although I recently viewed a condo and a single family foreclosure locally.

I feel like a gerbil on her wheel going round and round and thinking I am getting somewhere but in reality I am not. Just treading the same old path.

Photos: wild mustard and apple tree about to bloom when the rain ceases and the sun comes out


Mim said...

Get off the hamster wheel and let someone else help and make a decision for you. Even a temporary one, like renting for a year and them moving on after that.

forget about the puritan ethic...you've got alot of friends who will help if you let them.

xoxo mim

sukipoet said...

thanks MIm

Robin said...

Suki, I am back from my visit to "LA LA Land" with *M*! This post really resonates with me.... I feel your frustration...BUT... you ARE getting off of that Hamster Wheel.... stoic New Englander that you are...you HAVE begun to reach out and ask for help. There are many (including some of "us" - your blogging family) who really want to help.
Mim has a good idea... renting for a year gets you and Bibs off the Mountain and into the "world"....and there is a finite end to a one year lease - so you are not locked in for years!

I am not at Opera rehearsals tonight - so if you feel like a chat....ring me!

Love to you and Bibs,

♥ Robin ♥

p.s. I felt the same way about "The King's Speech"!

P.P.S. Word verification: WHEALL!

Katiejane said...

Boy, I hear this! Even when one has people in their lives one can still feel lonely. I think the only remedy is, as you say, to reach out and let others help when they offer. People need people.

Lynn said...

It sounds like you are open to receive help so if you need it you will take it. Good! It sounds way to insulated where you are to me; so I hope you find a path out of there soon. You sure have all our encouragement to do it if that is worth anything at all. So many blogger friends live in your area...gravitate out...find freindship and community and enjoy the results of that. Doesn't have to be the house from heaven just a comfortable and affordable place to rest your noggin. Right? With room to write and be creative!
Wishing for the best for you Suki.
Now open the door and walk through it. It's the first step to the rest of your life!

patti said...

Accepting help from others can be hard to do, but from what you say, you have no other option right now.

Being with people in a vibrant community will be so good for your soul. Being lonely is soul destroying.

If you find a small place, good, there is only you and the kitty, so you don't need much space. Downsize your stuff and move on. You won't look back, I promise!

Love to you Suki, take the help, don't waste any more time!

Lisa at Greenbow said...

Grab that hand and get off that Mountain. You can do it.

Leslie Avon Miller said...

Movement is a good key for you, to be in movement. Wishing you the very best and success Suki!

Marion said...

I agree with Mim...letting someone else rent a home for you takes away much of the stress involved. It doesn't matter if you even like it...it is a step forward. And once you've done it, it is so much easier to take your own control back.

I know what it's like to live in a solitary, quiet place. I've loved it and have utilized it; now it's time to move on. I have some apprehension about the whole thing as well...xoxo

Jann Gougeon said...

Learning and relearning . . a lifetime path. :)

m. heart said...

Moving and perhaps purchasing a place is a big decision Suki so I wouldn't beat your self up too much about giving it so much thought. But feeling stuck and stalled is another thing entirely.

I wonder if you would enjoy living in an "intentional" community like Sirius in Amherst? Or perhaps that would be too much interaction, from one extreme to another...

kikipotamus said...

Suki, I've done a lot of reading lately about the brain. I think we can blame our brains for that hamster in the wheel feeling. It's true, we do get STUCK in patterns that repeat and repeat, going nowhere new. The good news is that the brain is malleable. Wirings can be changed, it just takes something hard to break us free once, then we have to keep on forging the new synapses until the new behaviour replaces the old rut.

If you just need a kick to get you out of the hamster wheel, then I would gratefully accept the offer from the friend who is willing to find the condo and go through the process for you.