Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dots and Jots and Stevie Smith

I have not been posting much because I feel my life is uninteresting at the moment. Like Alice on her chess square, I keep running and running and "getting nowhere." I know spiritually speaking there is no where to "get." I keep that in mind as I churn and turn with the falling leaves-- to mix my metaphors.

As Stevie Smith, that wonderful British poet said, "I am not waving, but drowning." Have any of you seen that sad but wonderful movie called "Stevie" staring Glenda Jackson?? With Mona Washbourne as the "Lion aunt." I wish I had a copy as I'd like to see it now.

Last week I looked at two houses for a second time. I looked for the first time at three homes about one hour away in or near Peterborough. I am running to get there before winter, before my rent goes up quite a big leap. I have lowered my price range so now the places I am seeing tend to the very shabby. They tend to not have a garage (a necessity up here with the snow). They tend to be dark and depressing.

At times I feel it is my just punishment for not being a responsible person in my younger years. For not building up enough Social Security points to sustain me now in my old age. Or at least providing myself with a pension. On the other hand, looking at the larger world, I am quite lucky and rich for I have clothing, food, shelter.

I know my thinking mind is my enemy. I think too much. I hesitate too long.

Yet, if you met me in person, you might think me a sweet elderly lady, quiet, a good listener, interested in your life stories, even cheerful as I would be thrilled to be in your presence. A sort of exterior contradiction to my inner mind babbles.

It's all beyond what my little brain can understand or sort out.

Blessings to ye all. How wonderful we are on the earth together in this time and all journeying on our paths and waving (not drowning) to each other from wherever we are.


Everyday Goddess said...

We all have more in common than we care to admit. I totally get the over-thinking thing too. I've been volunteering a lot lately at the food pantry, gets me out of my head, it's a win win.

Lynn said...

My heart goes out to you Suki with this house hunt and future planning of yours. So not easy. Such choices.
It's hard to live on a limited income, one reason I am reluctant to even think of retiring yet at almost 70. How many years do I need to support myself more? Social Security is not enough to live on (for me)...what I've saved beyond that does not translate to huge dividends either. I got started in my career when I turned 50 so not a lot of years to accumulate much wealth. It makes one think and shudder. I hope you find a house you can make a home and be happy in. You will brighten it up with your true spirit and a few coats of fresh paint. Keep the positive thoughts rolling. Keep blogging. We all care about you and what you have to say.

Kimmie said...

White paint and some bleach can transform the shabbiest of places .... I feel for you and this oncoming season of winter and hope for you warmth, safety and comfort ... Many people living in palaces have much less ... Though I know that is little consolation in this limbo time. You DO have an inner life that is greater than many peoples outer life .... Bless.

Robin said...

Suki, having met you in person...I didn't have that impression of you at all. You are certainly NOT a "an old lady".... nothing about you reflects that. You are a lovely woman - who posesses a wonderful, strong aura....and such gentleness and grace.

Finding YOUR home has been one of the greatest challenges you have ever faced.... but, I FEEL you can do it - and will do it.

Making the leap of faith IS hard.....but I feel in your heart, you want to do it.... and you will.

Will ring you this week......


♥ Robin ♥

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

I hope you find something nice to live in soon. Its all a matter of attitude. You can like something or hate something. One can always make a home cozy and comfy with paint and your things.
Word veri is 'taxed'.. seems you are being 'taxed' right now. We all have something that isnt easy in our so called 'Golden years'.
Your Friends are here for you.

Anonymous said...

Suki, you were one of the first people to respond to my blog, so I feel I know you - and yet I don't. I would so love to meet you in person and talk through what you feel and what you fear. Something is holding you back in this house-hunting, and as a fellow Libran, I cannot put my finger on it. You are the gentle kid sort of Libran, I guess, and I am not! All I know is that whenever I have a personal decision to make, I somehow know when it is 'right', and if I hesitate for any reason, I say to myself 'don't'. This is a bit garbled but I hope you will understand what I mean. And it's so good to hear what you have to post, regardless.

patti said...

We are househunting on a low budget too Suki. Each house we look at has some minus that is unpalatable. It's a question of which compromise to take. So far we have gone for much smaller, but the house is as new. We'll see!

Paint is a wonderful freshner and I'm sure you will find the best solution, even if not the perfect one, soon. xx

willow said...

The perfect house is out there, Suki, you just haven't found it yet. Hang in there, my friend. Keep your nose above the water.

I'm adding "Stevie" to my Netflix queue. Thanks for the suggestion.

sukipoet said...

Willow, unfortunately, at least around here, Netflix does not have this movie. It may only be available in VHS

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

It's a race before winter..I wish you the best on this search. I'm just sure you will find or have already found the house for you...the fixing up is possible if the building is sound.
I so like the waving instead of drowning...keep waving, smiling and loving life.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to tell you, Suki, except that we are here for you. When I was feeling "stuck," I got Pema Chodron's CD "Getting Unstuck" and listened to it again and again and again. I got unstuck! For me, mindfulness is everything. If you're feeling something, cut the storyline and feel the feeling. It's not about the house. It's about a feeling. Get acquainted with that feeling WITHOUT the house story.

Leslie Avon Miller said...

At one time you mentioned New Mexico....what's there for you now I wonder?

Mim said...

I love that quote -

The last thing that would come to my mind about you is "little old lady". The VERY LAST THING. if at all. Nope...not it.

we're all struggling with what to do next - life and decisions ain't easy.

sukipoet said...

Leslie, New Mexico is a place I truly love. I can see myself in a small adobe making paper and painting. I love love the heat of the hot season and the dryness and the people. course, I love about a gazzillion places.

studio lolo said...

Such good insight and suggestions and support from everyone.
I love the Pema Chodron CD suggestion. I may have to get that!

I do believe it's a feeling also, as Kikipotomous said.

Leap and the net will appear Suki.
Trust yourself and the universe.


kj said...

"I have lowered my price range so now the places I am seeing tend to the very shabby."

nope, no shabby, suki. that sounds too much like the frying pan to the fire.

how about renting for a year?
how about making a deal with yourself that you will look for only three days at rental places and decide from one of them?
how about no looking at shabby rentals?

how about a comfy cozy rental apt with good heat, fresh paint, good light, no maintenance, and maybe garage parking?

i know i keep making suggestions that are probably not helpful but i know once you are properly settled, your paints with come out and so will your spunk.

Kim said...

Suki, you have been given the greatest advice here. I love this idea of leaping and the net being there to catch you! Perfect! Come on, we are all holding your hands. The perfect place is only perfect when your spirit is there!

Thanks for the movie suggestion. I will keep my eyes open for it...also went to Netflix to learn it wasn't there. You have the greatest suggestions.


sukipoet said...

Kiki and Lolo I absolutely agree that it is not about the house but about something emotionally based in origin. I have all my life thought everything about my body, speach and mind was emotionally base and or about emotion.

I used to have a number of Pema CD/tapes and I too listened to them over and over. I did not hear "Getting Unstuck" and love this idea of listening again to dear Pema who came to the Cape a # of times to our little med group (before she was famous) and so I experienced her wonder in a small group situation and feel a strong connection to her. Thanks!

sukipoet said...

KJ you are right Iknow you are. At the same time it is so hard for me to give up buying and rent again (although I am currently renting of course.) Just to move all my stuff into a rental will be thousands of dollars. But there I go one about the expense.

I am okay with shabby as long as I can apply some paint and as long as I have some money left over to fix it up a bit.

Debbie in CA : ) said...

My Dear Friend,

I have only just returned to blogging after a period of deep quiet. I prayed for you often in those solitary moments. I slipped in tonight with hopes of finding you in a new place with a whole new outlook. I see prayers are still needed.

Find your heart a home, sweet friend . . . keep looking to find the peaceful place we each deserve.