Where is the me I used to be? Of course, I used to be things like a wife or a girl friend and an "active" mom (ie: my son was little and needed momming). I used to be a student, then an adventurer, then a student again, and so forth. And I understand how those uses in the world arise and then pass on.
But also, I used to be so busy. I always had projects in the works. I took workshops and classes and taught workshops and classes. I made handcrafts. I learned new healthy things like yoga and meditation and vegetarian cooking. I taught myself how to be social in the world. I joined groups (I hated groups at one time) and taught myself how to be a person in a group. I civilized and socialized myself. I wrote gobs in journals: dream journals, daily journals, journals chronicling my writing projects, journals about self-growth with both words and drawings. I had journals that listed all the books I read each year. At the end of the year I totaled these up.
As my homeopath once said to me, (she has known me quite a number of years) she didnt think she knew anyone who reinvented herself so much. Whether that is true or not, she at least thought it true.
And this is what people need to do--reinvent themselves over and over. Flowing with the changes that life brings. We are not one thing for the whole of our lives. And that's okay.
But at the present moment, I feel I am doing nothing. I have no interests. I am crafting nothing. I am learning nothing new. My job here at Mom's is finished. I have cleared out most of her things. I have packed most of my things. I am on a plateau. And it's pretty tiring and pretty boring. I don't have the energy to reinvent myself again.
The bookstore loves me though as I am reading 4-5 books a week. Some from the library but lots I buy from the bookstore. Then once read I give them away as I have no bookcase of my own. I am indolent. I am passive. I sit and read and read. And much as I love reading, it is a solitary pursuit. I go days without talking to anyone except occasionally the bookstore owners.
As Babs said awhile back--"What's it all about, Alfie?" I often hum that phrase too. Maybe I should watch the movie again. I think the song was the best thing about it.
I know we all go through these transition places at numerous times in our lives. It feels like a mid-life crisis but I'm way past mid-life. I am a paper boat adrift on the salt salt sea.
Well, those are some of the thoughts pluckering through my little brain the past few days. They are just thoughts though. Passing by like clouds over the sun. Here and then gone. Observe and then let go. Namaste, Suki