Saturday, August 09, 2008


Stuck here on the farm with the Cape Cod blues again, to echo Bob Dylan. No humans to talk to. Drive 50 miles to find people. No appetite. Food seems dull. Drooling for a meatloaf. Ruined it due to adding ketchup that was almost black. Dated 2006. Had to throw it all out.

Hokay. Wrote another list of how I can amend my distress. Find people who do things I resonate with. Take an art class, yoga, meditation, herbs, poetry. But where, where, where? Everything so far far far away. Drive for two hours for a one hour something. Exhausted. Make mom dinner every night by 4:30. Same dull salad of cut up and peeled cukes and tomatoes (for her, it's what she wants). Same boring glass of milk.

Mom: Takes percoset. The prescription got lost in the mail. Anxiety. She might run out. Me: two trips to the pharmacy with no success. Now, on Monday I will have to drive in one direction to the Doctors and another to the pharmacy to turn in the new prescription. Why does this make me so angry? She's been taking this drug for years.
Got to let go. The drug helps her manage her pain. She does well for a 90 year old. What do I know about pain. I have only emotional pain. I take chocolate or craft therapy. Rain and more rain for the week to come and for weeks behind. Must take care of me. That's it. No need for worry. Just grouchy.

Pictures are of cards I made. 1) collage 2 and 3) tissue paper with oil pastel and embedded plants or leaves etc.


(^oo^) bad girl (^oo^) said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Annie said...

Suki, there must be something in the air as I have been a bit cranky
too. It is okay to feel that way sometimes. I hope you are able to get your mom's meds without too much trouble. I love the cards.
Big hugs. Do something nice for yourself today.

Debbie in CA : ) said...

Whenever I become a grumpy berry about the ordinary tasks in life I know I have neglected myself or run on my own steam till my tank is empty. I must go to the Well, the Source, and fill myself before I can pass along a cup to someone else. I find so many ways to meet my Lord: in the garden, in the tub, in a quiet cozy corner ... but I must set aside the time without guilt in order for the refreshment to flow. Pop in a special cd of music or reading-on-disc to feed you while you drive around and around.

For me, tea in my special chair is so essential -- now that my daughter is home from college I am spending more time with her (the clock is ticking to her return in less than 2 weeks) and less everywhere else, thus I am beginning to be tired from the inside out. Her needs are more intense right now than those of my at-home children. And so today I have set aside time to read and sip in silence while she packs. It is so important to keep ourselves healthy -- inside and out.

EnJOY your day today. May it be pain-free for you and Mom. Indulge in some of that beautiful crafting. I LOVE your work. We are a household of "artists" in all forms. We love to have exhibits for all here to admire. I have some new "Paper art" from Rachel (9) to exhibit on my blog soon. We enjoy perusing your "gallery"/blog. Thanks for sharing.

I will think of you as I sip in silence today. : )

Mary Richmond said...

your cards are gorgeous and i know this is a hard, hard time for you....cape cod misses you, too. this too shall pass and when it does the next era will begin and you'll be ready to greet it.

sukipoet said...

thanks for your kind words Annie. It's aa cloud/sun kinda day but when the sun comes out I run outside to soak it in.

Debbie, you are so sweet. Thanks for the ideas of how to treat myself well. and I hope your day of silent tea and sitting is a good one for you. I'll keep an eye out for your daughter's picture. Be well, Suki

thanks for your support Mary. And good luck with the new work plan you have devised. It sounds good.

Cris, Artist in Oregon said...

Lovely cards.
Rainy days and mondays always get me down. The Mamas and Papas sang that song. Lots of rainy day songs out because rain does tend to wear us down. You should be getting sunshine now and your not so I can understand you feeling down & out some right now. Do try to get in the sun whenever you can to keep up your spirits. I know I am taking advantage of the sun and fresh air right now. Hope you have some sunny days soon and can get outside more.
Big Hug to you.

human being said...

same things... dull... boring... no new things.... no new people... no classes...
consistency.... this is what kills our spirits...
your creative soul longs for inconsistency....

when we are blue, we have lots of creative energy entrapped...

Suki... think you'll like this quote about consistency... and the artwok by Quiche:

the cards are so lively and bright...

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

Suki, A ruined dinner equals grouchy but an open creative person living in isolation....that is worthy of a major rant and or a good cry! I check my blog often...feel free to yell about it all!
Mary Ann
(scorpio-crys and rants regularly!)

sukipoet said...

Cris thanks for your empathy. Yes, I lvoe that song. Well, today, Saturday, was nice an sunny and I sat outside and soaked it up.

Human Being, oh thank you re: Quiche who has commented on my blog and I've never checked her out. Sometimes I do like consistency but right now I need some friends I think to chat with. thanks for comments re: cards.

MaryAnn, thanks for the invite to rant. I may take you up. You know sometimes I like to remain hermetic, but I like to do it with lots of people and activity right outside my door, or at least down the street instead of miles and miles away.

Patti said...

Being a carer IS frustrating and anger making sometimes.

I injured my hip lifting my mother's wheel chair into the back of my car one day. I was feeling angry at the time, because I knew the Dr's appointment that we were going to would be futile, but we needed to go anyway. Why, I still don't know. Her dementia condition would only deteriorate.

The result was that I paid for my anger with pain and it still niggles today. I still feel silly and childish for having had this anger.

Being isolated is so hard too. Online friends and activities are great, but nothing beats the real thing.

I suppose renting out the farm and moving in close to town is out of the question, a kind of compomise (?) Your Mom is probably too old to take easily to moving (?)

Take care
hugs x

katie jane said...

Oh, poor Suki. You sound as if you are going completely mad. I can understand. Your winters last so long, and now you are faced with rain all summer.=Cabin Fever! I feel that in February and in August, when it is too hot outside.

Maybe get some audio books to listen to while you are working on your art.

Sounds like you could use a short holiday away. Go into town, shop, eat out, stay overnight, shop some more, eat some more. Can someone "mommy-sit" for you?

My blog and my email are always open. Feel free to drop in anytime.

Mim said...

I'll meet you one day for a nice cup of tea - somewhere 1/2 for both of us.
I'm grouchy too. My car is cranky and I wanted to go the the Craft fair tomorrow, but it's two hours away...and too far...and the car's broken...and wah, wah, wah!!!!!

marianne said...

O dear Suki.........
I can imagine you go crazy there!
The rain and the isolation would be enough for me too.
The cards are so beautiful! You are able to create the most beautiful things in these circumstances!
Love the waterlily paper!
Take care! Hope the sun will be back soon for you!
Love >M<

soulbrush said...

hey girl, this sounds like some summers here in merry ole england! after months of bitter winter weather we are then assailed by a wet summer, darn, dang and damn!
have you ever tried one of those uv lights for sad? (seasonal affective disorder)they really do help, as you are being starved of sunshine.
having a 90 year old mom must never be underestimated...i agree with debbie, i have a fridge magnet that says: come home to yourself at least once a day!' lotsa hugs and more hugs too. write me an e mail anytime to offload, i am always around!

Cestandrea said...

just a big hug from me too against the blues,
take care

Pat said...

Hi Suki

It's my first visit to your blog. and I'm sorry to read of your frustration. I know caretaking can be incredibly hard and being isolated must make it worse. I live in a big city and even surrounded by millions, a person can feel isolated at times.
It's nice that blogging can open the world to us all to explore and learn from each other.
Your art work is lovely! I'll be back to see more.

sukipoet said...

Hi Patti, thanks for sharing some of your frustration in the past when caring for your Mom. Moving is a good idea in a way, however at this point Mom would not do well with a move. At least that's my envisionment. I jokingly said, after last winter, that Mom and I should go to florida for the winter. Not that I've ever been there, but I know it'd be warmer. However Mom doesnt like warm. It's just a dream. Anyway, thanks for your ideas and empathy.

thanks Katie Jane. I used to listen to audio books all the time. Course I lived in an area where the libraries bought lots of audiobooks. The libraries up here dont have much in the way of funds and have a very small collection. But that's a good idea for the winter. Maybe there's a rental thing like netflix. The idea of a holiday sounds good to and I'm contemplating that in the near future. Thanks for your listening ear.

Oh Mim, you are so sweet. I'm sorry about your car. And this weekend contained the two days in weeks that were sunny. Well, note the fair on your calendar for next year and thanks for the tea invite. What a great idea.

Marianne, I think I have to go to the southwest for sun, this place has been a washout all summer. There was some this weekend and you can bet I was out there in it. But back to rain today.

sukipoet said...

Soulbrush, well I must say I associate England with rain, and Ireland too. Don't know why. Maybe north eastern US is turning into Ireland. The light bulb idea is a good one and i've jotted that down as soon must make an art supply order and I think they sell those in art supply places. And thanks for the offer of an open ear. Be well, suki

Andrea, good to hear from you, mid-vacation. Hope you are having a fun relaxing time. Thanks for the hug.

Pat, welcome and thanks for stopping by. And for the kind words about my artworks. The thing about the big city is one can "forget" the isolation by going out to the park, a museum, a play, a movie or sitting in a coffee shop. There is a little cafe here that i could sit in. Just need to stop being so lazy. But you are right, blogging brings a world of friends and ideas right into my own home. I love it. Namaste, Suki

Honour said...

ah grouchiness. I guess dear suki you just have to sit in it or a while until it passes. but you are such a soul of light and understanding, you know that it WILL pass and that's the key :)

you know, I thought I was the only one who said "hokay" brought on by a game that me and my cousins used to play as children.

the second collage is delightful by the way!

Lynn said...

Wow, what a response you have gotten for being grouchy! Amazing.
Well perhaps it was the moon, or the alignment of the stars but I had a GROUCY DAY too same time as you, and there was no rain to blame it on. Just an accumulation of stressors and a warped view of myself, and some other things I'd rather not mention.
I really needed and got a good talking to by my DH, who reset my minds warped thinking, some of the stressors cleared up, and I'm able to report that I am back on track now.

HOWEVER, the year and a half I cared for my mother (till the end of her life)...was the hardest thing I have ever was not easy, not always pleasant, often I took the brunt of her discontent, my life felt stolen from me/my freedom gone. So I know this is not easy for you and being sequestered away from civilization simply amplifies your situation.
I used to escape into movies to give myself a break from the trails at home. I am sure I also vented to friends a lot. (by phone,emails etc.)...The blog is a good place to do this, as you can see many people can relate or have like stories to share with you.

sukipoet said...

Honor, I don't know where I got the hokay from. That is so funny that your say it too. Thanks re: the second collage which actually has nasturtum leaves embeded between the layers of tissue paper. Hmm, well you are so right of course. I sat with it, and moaned a bit with it and the blues have passed. As does everything. Thanks for the reminder.

sukipoet said...

Lynn, thanks for the wonderful comment. It did me good to read your wise words. A) that you too were having a grumpy time and I just want to say how lovely your DH can help rebalance your perspective. B) your words about caring for your mom.I know lots of folks have done what I am doing, it is not unusual. But it is good to hear other's experiences and feelings and thoughts. I'm sorry it was such a tough time for you. During the winter i did escape into movies, but come summer i dont watch as much. I am reading a lot. The sad thing is I feel so bad when I end up snapping at mom, esp when she goes "I cant hear you." But I have to forgive myself and continue on. I think SIL is nearing the end, and I want to visit her soon but in a way kinda dread it although i think it holds meaning for her to know I am praying for her and coming to see her.