Friday, January 25, 2008

Notes

Hello dear blog friends. I will have some artworks completed soon to post here. But for today I refer you to this amazing display of cut out paper flowers and leaves from another blog. They are in shop windows in Paris. Magical. Andrea, maybe you can go look at them in person???

I finished reading the novel The Cry of the Dove by Fadia Faqir. It is about a Bedouin girl who runs away from her tribe upon becoming pregnant out of wedlock. Otherwise her brother would kill her re: the honor of the tribe. She ends up in England and I think her attempts to integrate in English society are quite well drawn. I will say no more lest I spoil the story. I thought it well written except for the end which I felt came out of a sort of "agenda" of the author.

My SIL will no longer go upstairs to bed. The stairs are very steep and difficult. So they moved her larger bed downstairs.

Mom is so cute. She comes into my studio only a few steps and she whispers, "I just wondered what you were doing." Her eyes are aglow yet she really doesn't look at things closely, just in wonderment as if she were a three year old looking at the gifts under a Christmas tree. It is so funny that she has turned cute and sweet as for most of my life my view of her was as a mean, controlling woman. She was mean not just to me, but to other people. She insisted that things be her way. But maybe all the illnesses and Dad's death and SIL's early path to demise has softened her insistence on having life be her way. After all, life has its say in the matter too.

I must drive down to the oceanside where I used to live to remove some of my furniture from my friend A's rental. He will soon move. For some reason I am reluctant to do this. Well, I don't like to drive in the winter, is one fear. Also I do so love that oceanside area where I lived for 30 years. I won't want to return to the frigid north.

His move will change things for me, as up to this point I have kept my residency in Massachusetts, using his address where I too lived until October. Now I will have no residence there. I viewed my stay here in the mountainside state as temporary to help out with Mom because my SIL was ill.

Now perhaps I need to redefine my purpose and self. I still think of being in the north as temporary, but for legal purposes such as car registration etc. I think I need to "move." No? I will then lose my health insurance however as I have it via the state.

Sigh. I know these issues are minor. "Don't sweat the small stuff," is a Shambala Meditation saying. Although I do like to sweat. Still..........time to look at a Tolle video methinks.

6 comments:

Cris in Oregon said...

Well Suki.. this doesnt seem small stuff to me. losing your insurance and all and home. Maybe it is time to bring your stuff there. Hard to make right decisions sometimes. When will you go to remove your furniture? I am glad your Mom is more gentle now. sometimes they get worse. But sometimes you stop and look at your life and maybe she realizes what a sacrafice you are making for her and your Brother knowing how much you love the Ocean side.

Sylvain said...

Hi Suki,
This reminds me somehow of when I lost my first job. I had worked there for 6 years and was downsized. I had begun to build my idnetity around my job. Suddenly it was like I didn't know who I was going to be. Who am I if I am not that guy that works there? I had to re-examine who I really was, and you know, it had nothing do with where I work or where I lived or any of it. But it wasn't easy.

Lynn said...

I think those issues are not so small Suki. I do wish you a safe journey southward. Can you stay there a bit to have some fun, visit old haunts, enjoy the scene?
I hope so. The hardest for us would be the health insurance issue. Will you be able to transfer to the new state without too much trouble? Hope so.
Yes, sweet that mom has changed this way. Sweeter. Humble perhaps at this stage in her life. My MIL too has become sweeter. Had been contankerous to say the least. Now so mellow until she becomes frightened by something, someone leaving or not being sure where she is or will be next. Confusing sets in. Otherwise, softer, calmer, more positive. Dementia gives her this. It doesn't give it to everyone, so she is lucky. Hope your mom stays sweet for both your sakes. Sad about your SIL. Do hope she is not suffering pain.
Do enjoy the ocean again too. Some goodies for going, yes?

human being said...

At one point in our life we face such U turns that send us far from what we have predicted for our life...
Think the reason we face them is that we need to experience a new perspective.. Thus we are going to know something; and each piece of knowledge brings more freedom and happiness at the end.

Sure you'll return to the oceanside with more knowledge, freedom, and happiness.Perhaps the time is not today, but it's near...

Wish you a safe and happy journey.
Hugs

sukipoet said...

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments. Cris, yes, Mom could have gone the other way and if she loses her mental faculties that still could occur. But in the present moment all is rather sweet.

sylvain, thanks for your comment and the story of your experience and your empathy with the emotional disruption of change.

Lynn, yes I do hope to have fun visiting oceanside favorite spots and friends. Re: health insurance Massachusetts is the only state in the country to provide by law health insurance for people of low income but who are not on welfare. The insurance does not transfer to any other state. So I will lose it completely when/if I move.

human being I like the way you call this a U turn. Guess that is very much what it is. Also a you turn the you referring to myself. I know new and wonderful things will arise. But saying goodbye to the old is sometimes disorienting. Especially as one gets older I think as there are so many pasts and memories of things one did, saw, places one lived, loves one had gathered in the memory-brain. But as you say, good freedoms and new knowings come out of change.

human being said...

a U turn....a you turn

Wow! very wise, Suki.