Sunday, July 15, 2007

Feeling guilt

Even though I know guilt is not a productive emotion, I feel a bit of it today. Called Mom and she sounded tired, natural of course after the operation and all she's been through in the past 6 months and weary of the chores she has to do daily. Though she did not say so.

Called my brother and he sounded burned out around his wife's health issues, in part because after many weeks no doctors have come up with any diagnosis. Maybe the recent MRI will show something or maybe not. But he has been caring for Dad, and now Mom for a long time now. Dad is of course gone, but now Nora sort of takes his place re: needing a lot of daily hands on "nursing" help.

My guilt arises from the fact that here I am on beautiful Cape Cod enjoying the sun, reading books, lazing around on a lawn chair and today, at last, swimming in the salt water for a brief time. And there they all are up in NH in pain, sorrow and illness.

I guess a part of me thinks I should be up there helping out, especially as Dad and Mom have been asking me to do so for some years now. They have been generous with me through the years. Isn't it my turn to be generous back? Why am I so resistant to moving up country?? Maybe I'd like it. And even if I didn't, that wouldn't be the point. The point would be to help out.

Also up there are my ex-husband who is ill, and Aaron my son who lives with him. They too could use some help. Although I don't exactly know what form that might be in.

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